Thursday, June 16, 2011

Need to Cry Today?

I do.

I started (crying inside) by yelling at my kids because we were running behind schedule this morning for eye appointments in Spokane, eating 3 Krispy Kreme donuts, coming home to eat a big bowl of healthy turkey and black bean chili, AND 5 chicken nuggets with ketchup.

Then on Toy Story 2 which is playing in the background, they started the song about when the cowgirl toy had an owner, and I got tears in my eyes.

That's how I knew I needed to cry. Actually shed tears releasing the heartache I am feeling today.

I sure would have liked to have gotten it out of my system BEFORE I ate all those calories...

I have several things floating around in my spirit today:
- today is my good friend's birthday. He released his wife to Heaven almost 3 weeks ago. I can't imagine he feels much like celebrating. My heart aches with empathy for his agony. I am passionately asking God for an amazing gift for him today. Something super personal, ministering to his aching heart and something only the God of Creation could give.
- overall grieving today - nothing like fresh grief to stir up old grief too - I miss my friend Roni (sometimes when I close my eyes I see her face and long to ask her the questions I didn't have time to ask). I miss my uncle. I loved him so much and he and I were tight because he was only 13 when I was born. He made me laugh. He had the best laugh, no one else laughed like him - except his boys... they each have their own unique version of his Uncle Mark chuckle. I miss my baby. Two dear friends are having baby girls - one has birthed, the other one will. I love where I am in my life, but sometimes I wish I could hold her and see her smile. Jake Chissie and Mat Rocheleau were two of the young men God put on my prayer radar years ago. They both live in Heaven now and I miss them and the impact they had on their family and friends. My grandparents who are still here are super close to Heaven, they are seeing things, moving less, struggling more and I know it isn't long before they join my other grandparents. Many of my friends are missing their fathers and grandfathers this Father's Day.
- Feeling like my body will never change. Ever. (especially if I deal with my emotions by eating)

Here is what I am doing with this - releasing it to the Lord. He knows my heart. He says so in Psalm 139.

I need Him to be God today. He is. I need Him to be Big today. He is. I need to feel small today. I do. I need to know that He is capable of holding grieving hearts, discouraged hearts, sad hearts, and is never offended or overwhelmed.

So I cry. Freely. Wishing things were different, knowing He's in charge, and trusting Him with whatever is next.

If you need to cry. Go ahead.

I know He will hold you and comfort you. Just like He says He will in Matthew 5:4 "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."

1 comment:

Nett said...

I hope you can feel the hug I am sending to you - my extraordinary and beautiful friend - I love your heart!

Who am I?

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I am a wife and mother of 3. I have been married to my best friend for over 25 years and our children are 12, 11 and 9 years old. I have struggled with infertility, suffered the loss of a baby by miscarriage, and endured multiple career paths. I have experienced a crisis of faith that shook me to the core and lost a dear friend to a tragic death. I have had a personal relationship with Jesus for most of my life. The Bible and my relationship with Christ has been essential to my surviving and even thriving in my circumstances. I hope you will be blessed by joining me in this process of life. I thank you for showing up to read what I have written.