Monday, May 31, 2010

The Healing of a Desperate Woman - Prompted by Pastor's Message on Luke 8:40-48

Now when Jesus returned, a crowd welcomed him, for they were all expecting him. Then a man named Jairus, a ruler of the synagogue, came and fell at Jesus' feet, pleading with him to come to his house because his only daughter, a girl of about twelve, was dying.
   As Jesus was on his way, the crowds almost crushed him. And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years,but no one could heal her. She came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak, and immediately her bleeding stopped.
 "Who touched me?" Jesus asked.
      When they all denied it, Peter said, "Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you."
  But Jesus said, "Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me."
Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed. Then he said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace." 

The Healing of a Desperate Woman

My desperation for You leads me 
From my enforced solitude out to the mob.
My heart cries out for Your attention
Stretching for Your hem I land in the dirt.

The chaos around me is overwhelming.
The stench of the filth and dirt fill my senses,
Yet I reach out with all I have 
Knowing You are my only hope.
You alone contain what I so desperately need.

I catch You...

Your gaze upon me is exciting and terrifying at the same time.
You have now exposed me to the others but Your attention,

It alters me...

The look in Your loving eyes enfolds me
And the knowing words from Your lips revive me
Both confirm the healing I feel at my core.

As You turn and move on I know I will never return
To the place I once thought I would never leave.

I am healed.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Moving on...

My last entry was rich with raw feelings and pain. This one is from the other side of that relationship...

"Let it go" What does that mean exactly? MOVE ON... don't get stuck there!

I almost hear the Lord's gentle, kind way of delivering that message to me. There will always be pain in our relationships because we all sin. I am here to tell you today that just because there is pain it doesn't mean it's a bad relationship.

Yes, some relationships are just  bad. They take. They cut. They never give. You KNOW when you are in one of those and if you haven't prayed and asked the Lord for a way of escape I encourage you to do so.

However, a hard relationship is different. The pain is used to accomplish God's will for us to lean on Him, press into Him, practice what He has already done for us in forgiveness, grace and love and this makes us GROW! Marriage is a hard relationship. It is so DAILY. Parenting is that way too. So are some friendships. They seem to always cost you more, but sometimes they give back lots. Or sometimes God just tells you to hang in there because He ordained the relationship and He has something for you from them (even if it doesn't seem like it for days or years) and they need something from you.

Hard relationships are also the most rewarding when you allow the pain to cause growth and change

I would have been robbed of some very special moments if I didn't implement God's gifts of forgiveness, grace and love in those painful relationships. And so would they.

So reach out of what is comfortable - embrace the pain and allow God to grow you into someone more like Him - Forgiving - Loving - and Gracious! I know I am working on that!!

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Painful Relationships...

I have been in a painful relationship for many years. I have loved this person and they have loved me. I have hurt this person - only by accident - never on purpose, and this person because of the pain in their heart (I choose to believe) has looked me in the face on more than one occasion and cut me to the core. Please understand I am not claiming to be a victim here, I am just trying to accurately portray as best I can the nature of the situation.

Do you ever feel like you choose to forgive over and over and then someone hurts you again - the same some one and it's like you have to start all over? I am sick of that. I have cried out to God for years over this relationship and sometimes I think it is changing/growing and then something else happens that reminds me that almost nothing has changed.

My husband counsels me to just "let it go". That I am never going to change this person. I know from all my years of marriage and counseling experience that all I can do is deal with my own "stuff", forgive others and ask the Lord to change me. I have. I do. I am changing and growing. Occasionally there is some acknowledgment of that, but mostly judgment and criticism remain. Or just absence. Then presence. Then acting as if nothing is wrong... repeat.

I continue to pursue this relationship only because of God's great Love for me and for this person. He nudges me when to call, when to pray, when to pursue, when to stop. I have to lean on Him for every piece of this relationship because when it hurts, He knows how to heal it.

I am tired of being in pain over this. I want to walk freely, unafraid of rejection and misjudgment. I don't think this person ever wants to know who I really am because that will shine the light on all the wrong judgments that have been made over the years. All the cutting comments would have to be exposed and ownership for their responsibility for the pain in the relationship would have to happen.

I need continued Divine intervention to walk this relationship out. Any conversations this person and I have had about what they communicate to me have left me sobbing and cut. I choose not to go that route again. I have learned that much over the years.

So, my choices continue to be: 1) Keep choosing to forgive 2) Keep loving in Christ - not my flesh. 3) Pray blessing and life over this precious person 4) Trust God to bring the healing in my heart - no person can ever heal me 5) Follow my husband's wise input and "let it go" as best as I can... then repeat.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

HEALTHY balance

I touched on this a bit today on my Prism Progress blog :

For the next six weeks I am really pressing into God for the breaking off the nasty habits I have with relation to food. It's not like I have spent the last 17 years ignoring my weight. I have done all kinds of programs and had assorted success. The reason for this focus now is that I am finally convinced that I want to do what a friend of mine does. She cooks from scratch. She told me why "1st is because it tastes better and I know what's in it. 2nd is because a majority of prepared foods contain absurd amounts of sugar."

I also read a research study done on fast foods and processed foods about how they are scientifically formulated to be addictive. That creeps me out! Then I watched the documentary Food Inc. and that sealed the deal for me. I am gradually -as our budget allows- working into Organic foods.

I am confident that this is all in God's timing and His provision for the optimum healthy foods is going to be there. Cheap food is no longer going to be part of our diet as a family.

Making an egg casserole for the week tonight so I am up later than usual. It is much better for all of us if Mommy eats well in the morning. :)

I will continue to write on this blog as time allows but as I am beginning this six week journey which will change me for a lifetime, I will be blogging 365 days in a row on my Prism Progress blog.

Casserole is almost done so I get to go to bed soon! Yay! Blessings to all!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Reflections on Mother's Day today and years past...

Today I looked into my oldest son’s eyes and told him how Mother’s Day used to be the worst day of the year for me. He looked sad when I told him how I would cry every year on Mother’s Day, wishing God would give me a baby.

I looked out the window of the car remembering those painful anniversaries, how I waited every year, hoping to have one for the next Mother’s Day and the baby didn’t come. Out of the nine and one half years we tried to get pregnant, I cried for at least seven of those years.

Then, looking back into his tender denim blue eyes, I said, “then God gave me You! And I celebrate Mother’s Day with you and I praise Jesus because He gave me you and your two amazing brothers! It is now my very favorite day because it reminds me of how God kept His promise to me all those years ago that He would give me a baby.” He smiled, eyes twinkling, and said, “I love you Mommy!”

I looked at him and his brothers listening to our conversation and said, “I love each of you so much and I am SO thankful for Mother’s Day!” They each grinned and said in their own sweet ways, “Happy Mudders Day Mommy!” were Peter’s words. “Happy Mother’s Day Mommy!” James said. And not to be out done by his little brothers, John told me again, for the third time that morning, “Happy Mother’s Day Mom.”

What sweet and precious words those are on the other side of one of the most painful seasons of my life. A season I was sure would never end on some days and on other days I was sure it would be tomorrow.

Seasons of waiting are like that. When you sense in your spirit that the end of your pain is near somehow it gives you hope to get through the daily pain, to see through to the other side. I don’t know how many times I felt that way. “Maybe tomorrow will be the day” came and went from my heart so many nights over those years. Each time we would make love, whether “scheduled” or not, I would wonder… is it this time?

Then there were the times when I was sure it would never happen. Even though deep in my heart I knew God had promised me a baby (about two years into the season of infertility), others had sensed it when they prayed over me, and they confirmed it time and time again. Some days I just couldn’t imagine it really finally happening. Those are the days that led me down some very bumpy and unfortunate paths. Someday I will elaborate on those experiences, but for now, I will just confirm that a lack of hope can do some damage.

So, tonight, as I am the last one to tuck into bed, I am enjoying the little reminders of God’s great love for me. His promise fulfilled, sleeping in the top bunk. The one He called, “exceedingly and abundantly” – which he is – sleeping on the bottom bunk, and the little precious fellow tucked into his crib named in my heart by my God, “more than I could ask for or imagine.” (Quotes from Ephesians 3:20a “Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think,”).

It isn’t always pretty being a mom, but it is always worth the hard work. I am so happy to be a mother, every day.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Cleansing and The Color Gray

Someone very dear to me is going through a very painful transition. I shared this with them and I felt led to post it in case some of you need it too:


God gave me a neat picture a few years ago when I was in great pain over losing my baby. He showed me, standing in the shower, crying... letting the tears, the pain, the anger, the heartache, just go down the drain. Since then the shower/tub has been more than a place to wash my hair or shave my legs. It remains the place where I allow Him to cleanse me, my heart, my mind, my whatever, all down the drain. Maybe that will be a blessing to you as you have tub soaks and take a shower... I also try to remember when I brush my teeth to keep my mouth clean of yucky stuff I might want to say at any given moment :).

The Color Gray

A writing assignment on "color" written on a gray cloudy day when I could find nothing good to focus on - then, as I began writing, God deposited something amazing (at least I think so :)) right in front of me.

What does gray taste like?

Bland food. Gray tastes like the stuff you eat when you have been throwing up or have the runs. Or what you taste when you have a sinus infection and can’t taste anything.

What does gray feel like?

Soft. I think of the softness of my little gray bunny, Annabelle I had when I was a kid. Or the soft feathers of a mama bird she uses to cover her eggs.

What does gray look like?

A backdrop for beauty. It is the color that serves other colors. There is a backdrop of gray today, making all the other colors stand out more than on a bright sun-shiney day. I love gray for that reason. Everything else’s color is emphasized by the soft gray color in the sky.

What does gray sound like?

It sounds like a whisper. No understandable words, just a quiet hint of communication, a gentle nudge in a general direction or a still message about a path to peace.

What does gray smell like?

Fresh. When the deep gray clouds drop rain on the earth there is a freshness that comes. The brown of the dust, the yellow of the pollen, the blackness of the soot/exhaust, all must submit to the outpouring of the gray clouds and be refresh the air we breathe.

Who am I?

My photo
I have been married to my best friend for over 26 years and our children are 14, 13 and 10 years old. I have struggled with infertility, suffered the loss of a baby by miscarriage, and endured multiple career paths. I have experienced a crisis of faith that shook me to the core and lost dear friends to tragic death. I have a personal relationship with Jesus which is essential to surviving and even thriving in my circumstances. I hope you will be blessed by my heart and words. Thank you for being here..