Sunday, May 23, 2010

Painful Relationships...

I have been in a painful relationship for many years. I have loved this person and they have loved me. I have hurt this person - only by accident - never on purpose, and this person because of the pain in their heart (I choose to believe) has looked me in the face on more than one occasion and cut me to the core. Please understand I am not claiming to be a victim here, I am just trying to accurately portray as best I can the nature of the situation.

Do you ever feel like you choose to forgive over and over and then someone hurts you again - the same some one and it's like you have to start all over? I am sick of that. I have cried out to God for years over this relationship and sometimes I think it is changing/growing and then something else happens that reminds me that almost nothing has changed.

My husband counsels me to just "let it go". That I am never going to change this person. I know from all my years of marriage and counseling experience that all I can do is deal with my own "stuff", forgive others and ask the Lord to change me. I have. I do. I am changing and growing. Occasionally there is some acknowledgment of that, but mostly judgment and criticism remain. Or just absence. Then presence. Then acting as if nothing is wrong... repeat.

I continue to pursue this relationship only because of God's great Love for me and for this person. He nudges me when to call, when to pray, when to pursue, when to stop. I have to lean on Him for every piece of this relationship because when it hurts, He knows how to heal it.

I am tired of being in pain over this. I want to walk freely, unafraid of rejection and misjudgment. I don't think this person ever wants to know who I really am because that will shine the light on all the wrong judgments that have been made over the years. All the cutting comments would have to be exposed and ownership for their responsibility for the pain in the relationship would have to happen.

I need continued Divine intervention to walk this relationship out. Any conversations this person and I have had about what they communicate to me have left me sobbing and cut. I choose not to go that route again. I have learned that much over the years.

So, my choices continue to be: 1) Keep choosing to forgive 2) Keep loving in Christ - not my flesh. 3) Pray blessing and life over this precious person 4) Trust God to bring the healing in my heart - no person can ever heal me 5) Follow my husband's wise input and "let it go" as best as I can... then repeat.

1 comment:

The Meredith Family said...

Father, Noone knows Jennifer like you. Her heart beats for you alone! When she hurts, you hurt. Father, would you help her in this matter? Would you give her extra grace and extra courage to continue in this painful relationship as you have called her to do? Heal her heart Lord. I know she see's this as something YOU alone will guide her thru. But that doesnt always make it easier. Father, bless the person who is at the other end of this and let them see that Jennifer is one of the greatest people you have ever put on this earth. Open their eyes to the pain they have caused and bring them to a place where they can redeem this matter. Thank you in advance God. You are so much bigger then this. May Jennifer glorify you in the way that she seeks your guidence in this. God show her how much she is loved today!!!

Who am I?

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I have been married to my best friend for over 29 years and our children are 16, 15 and 12 years old. I have struggled with infertility, suffered the loss of a baby by miscarriage, and endured multiple career paths. I have experienced a crisis of faith that shook me to the core and lost dear friends to tragic death. I have a personal relationship with Jesus which is essential to surviving and even thriving in my circumstances. I hope you will be blessed by my heart and words. Thank you for being here..