Wednesday, July 16, 2008

At a loss...

I feel compelled to write about loss today. My current weight loss is 16lbs and almost 22inches. That is great. But there has been a lot more loss than I really want to admit. I have discovered how much pride is related to my weight. Weird huh? I want to be like all my thin friends who can eat whatever they want. After all, I'm not really "That" fat anyway... yeah, that has actually crossed my mind, a lot. Pathetic. I am. I am "that" fat. Sure some of it is genetics, and some is having 3 babies in 4 years, but I was overweight before the babies. I really just want to be like everyone else (whoever that is). OK, back to the pride thing. I pretend I am thin. I focus on other people's thin-ness and ignore my own fat-ness. Nice huh? Then it comes time to really look in the mirror, or buy new clothes, the illusion has to die. Grrrrr... humiliating to admit.

So, I am a fat woman in the process of becoming thin. I am not built to ever be skinny, but I believe that when I fully get a grip on what I really look like, and what changes I really need to make (which is happening), the process will become my passion instead of a challenge or something I have to defeat. Kill the fat, bury the lifestyle that will bury me, destroy the habit of using food for anything but fuel, and enjoy the pain of it. I know that sounds a bit nuts. But, pressing into the pain works well in a lot of situations - this is one of them.

Honestly, a few of my friends have caught me more than once in tears because I was hungry in the past few weeks. Not so much stomach growling hungry, just hungry for what I used to lean on for support and sustenance. This diet is working amazing for me physically, but so much of my eating issues are emotional and mental that it is pushing me to the limit and beyond what I think I can handle in my head. I am so thankful that I KNOW that God has called me to this season so I can't deny the timing - I just need to walk out the obedience of living a new way and trust the reward will be more than I could ever ask for or imagine.

I don't remember a time when I felt like I looked good. Sad huh? I look back at some old photos and think, gosh, I looked good back then, I wish I knew it! So, I press on, not knowing what I am aiming for, what I might look like when I get through this process, and trusting it will be good. And in moments when I am choosing to eat instead of have a shake, or a healthy snack, I know that I will choose - ultimately - God's will for me to die to this old thing that has run my head and body for way more years ( I think since the 4th grade) than I care to recall. However, something I am always saying to others is that "you are never late, God has, in His perfect plan, factored in your humanity (your mistakes), so you are never outside His plan when your heart is for Him". I wouldn't say that without a doubt that is theologically correct, but from my experience with the Lord, that is what I have felt He has shown me.

I know I will be walking this road for a while and part of killing my pride is admitting in this blog what is really rolling around in my head, what I am eating from time to time and staying in an attitude of worship because when I keep my eyes on Him and His desire for me (instead of my own selfish desires), I feel like I can really do this.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Thank you that I matter that much to you. Thank you for your prayers as I walk in this new place - trying to learn how to show my love for the Lord in how I treat my body, the one He gave me for the rest of my life.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Wow. Good insights. Very vulnerable. Thank you for telling it like it is. I get it. Wish it were easier to live it.
God bless you on your journey.

Who am I?

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I have been married to my best friend for over 29 years and our children are 16, 15 and 12 years old. I have struggled with infertility, suffered the loss of a baby by miscarriage, and endured multiple career paths. I have experienced a crisis of faith that shook me to the core and lost dear friends to tragic death. I have a personal relationship with Jesus which is essential to surviving and even thriving in my circumstances. I hope you will be blessed by my heart and words. Thank you for being here..