At a loss...

I feel compelled to write about loss today. My current weight loss is 16lbs and almost 22inches. That is great. But there has been a lot more loss than I really want to admit. I have discovered how much pride is related to my weight. Weird huh? I want to be like all my thin friends who can eat whatever they want. After all, I'm not really "That" fat anyway... yeah, that has actually crossed my mind, a lot. Pathetic. I am. I am "that" fat. Sure some of it is genetics, and some is having 3 babies in 4 years, but I was overweight before the babies. I really just want to be like everyone else (whoever that is). OK, back to the pride thing. I pretend I am thin. I focus on other people's thin-ness and ignore my own fat-ness. Nice huh? Then it comes time to really look in the mirror, or buy new clothes, the illusion has to die. Grrrrr... humiliating to admit.

So, I am a fat woman in the process of becoming thin. I am not built to ever be skinny, but I believe that when I fully get a grip on what I really look like, and what changes I really need to make (which is happening), the process will become my passion instead of a challenge or something I have to defeat. Kill the fat, bury the lifestyle that will bury me, destroy the habit of using food for anything but fuel, and enjoy the pain of it. I know that sounds a bit nuts. But, pressing into the pain works well in a lot of situations - this is one of them.

Honestly, a few of my friends have caught me more than once in tears because I was hungry in the past few weeks. Not so much stomach growling hungry, just hungry for what I used to lean on for support and sustenance. This diet is working amazing for me physically, but so much of my eating issues are emotional and mental that it is pushing me to the limit and beyond what I think I can handle in my head. I am so thankful that I KNOW that God has called me to this season so I can't deny the timing - I just need to walk out the obedience of living a new way and trust the reward will be more than I could ever ask for or imagine.

I don't remember a time when I felt like I looked good. Sad huh? I look back at some old photos and think, gosh, I looked good back then, I wish I knew it! So, I press on, not knowing what I am aiming for, what I might look like when I get through this process, and trusting it will be good. And in moments when I am choosing to eat instead of have a shake, or a healthy snack, I know that I will choose - ultimately - God's will for me to die to this old thing that has run my head and body for way more years ( I think since the 4th grade) than I care to recall. However, something I am always saying to others is that "you are never late, God has, in His perfect plan, factored in your humanity (your mistakes), so you are never outside His plan when your heart is for Him". I wouldn't say that without a doubt that is theologically correct, but from my experience with the Lord, that is what I have felt He has shown me.

I know I will be walking this road for a while and part of killing my pride is admitting in this blog what is really rolling around in my head, what I am eating from time to time and staying in an attitude of worship because when I keep my eyes on Him and His desire for me (instead of my own selfish desires), I feel like I can really do this.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Thank you that I matter that much to you. Thank you for your prayers as I walk in this new place - trying to learn how to show my love for the Lord in how I treat my body, the one He gave me for the rest of my life.

Onward and upward...

So, I just finished consuming a bratwurst. Yes, the whole thing, when my defenses were down from a day of "cleansing" and now I am going to go to bed polluted. Ugh! Well, here I am. Just me. Struggling with my sin of self-preservation instead of going to bed like the Lord told me to.

So, tomorrow is another day. Another start. Another chance to choose Him over me. One moment at a time. One day at a time. Keeping my feet in motion, one step at a time, eyes toward Heaven and the Author and Perfecter of my faith.

I am so glad my God is not as fickle as my flesh! What a mess my life would be.

Going to obey now and go to bed. Wish I had done it sooner. Heard a quote at church tonight that stuck with me (apparently not quite enough yet) "Repentance is sorry enough to quit."

Lord have mercy on me. Please save me from my self serving and self preserving ways!!

Never a dull moment...

When I walked around the corner and saw my middle son drinking from the construction helmet his Nana bought him a few months ago I knew some sort of water hazard was in the making. Sure enough, the lake below the sink required my entire bath towel to clean it up.

The previous day it took 3 washcloths, 2 bath towels, and one rag to soak up the milk that had made it's way to the floor while my oldest was drinking from the carton. When I asked my husband if he had drunk from the carton in front of them he said no, so I must only conclude that somewhere in the male genetic makeup is the desire to drink milk from a gigantic jug.

My reflexes have improved over the past few years. I know from the above comments you might think I was in another room ignoring the antics of my little guys. Nope. I move from one room to the next in record time pretty consistently just for the above reasons. It is AMAZING what can happen in just a couple of minutes! When I am trying to choke down the anger I gaze into their innocent (or not) gaze and thank the Lord for the chance to be a mom. Today when I was yelling at my oldest because he had not picked up the 3 items I asked him to pick up easily 2 or 3 times already I caught a twinkle in his eye. For a split second I couldn't imagine why he was about to laugh. Then, taking that ever so important step back to imagine what he is seeing , I yelled "Am I yelling at you?" then I started laughing. He started laughing. We were both cracking up for a moment. Then he picked up the toys. I am sure he was laughing because it certainly wasn't possible his mom was so angry over just a few toys on the floor!

I am sure I left a mark on their psyche the other day when they were flinging books off their shelf and I went running in, fresh from the shower (don't hold that thought too long!) to remind them that if they made a mess they would be very late to the fun activity we were going to go do. O, that I would not take things so seriously! Sometimes I think I need to dial it down a few notches, then other amazing and creative disasters come along and I think "Nope, I'd better stay close on them so no permanent damage can be done.

I LOVE the activity. I even don't mind the disasters from time to time. I love having adventurous and exciting children. I just think I would be a better mom if I slept at night. I am not sure. I haven't had a chance to find out. When my youngest sleeps for 6 hours, my middle guy doesn't and then some nights everyone is up and I feel like a human pin ball in my own surreal machine.

Before my children arrived, life occasionally threw me a curve ball or two. It would cause me to make a few changes, jump to attention and get busy to do something new. Now, especially on my new diet, because I feel so much better physically, I am embracing all the craziness and trying not to lose my temper over spilt milk, water hazards, or toys on the floor. I am not entirely successful, but I am thrilled to report that we have more fun than drama. Praise God!