The journey begins today...

Stormy Sometimes

2012-02-08T12:01:00.000-08:00

I have a few writer friends who I met with the other day. They reminded me that when words aren't allowed to come out sometimes it can trigger depression or at least the feeling of being depressed. I will be writing more to let the words out. I honestly am not sure why I am not just blabbering away in Word documents and keeping them on my hard drive. I guess I think that if I am challenged by something, I am pretty sure I am not the only one. If I am, or you think I am, kindly please keep it to yourself ;)...

Here are a couple of poems that fell out of me as I considered how I have been feeling for the past several days.

Black Hole

Black hole
Vortex threatening
Loud suction
Resist pull

But land low
Deep pit
Thrash, then sit

Want out
Still but in motion
Waiting at the bottom.
Not alone.

Not Forgotten

Living from the joy
Within me pours freely
Like an endless fountain

Until...

The black clouds storm
Coping and reasoning
Under rapid fire from
Lightning and thunder.

The wind of anxiety
Courses through my blood
With tornado like force.
Building tension.

Suddenly I'm thrashing
Like a favorite shirt
Forgotten on a clothesline
In Nebraska

I cry out for help
Rescuers come
Strange forms they take
Unexpected some

I'm battered, bruised
From the storms within
Beloved ones too
See the devastation.

I reach for the Healer
Within the tempest.
He is with me.
Always.

The joy, deep peace
Perfect Love
Hold me tethered, stable
Unlike shirt on string

I am not forgotten.
I am chosen. Blessed
By the One who speaks
And storms end.

Letting Go

2012-02-08T08:05:00.000-08:00

I have this dream.
It's in my heart.
I no longer imagine it.
I can see it - complete.

Told to wait, believe and trust,
Sure my heart will ache
Until I see this
Dream of mine.

Then the peace floods.
God is building more
Than my dream.

Being a Mom - Things I Hate and Things I Love

2012-02-08T07:58:00.000-08:00

I hate hearing fighting as I step into the shower.

I hate feeling like I am failing more than I succeed.

I hate missing their hearts and focusing on their behavior instead because it's in my face.

I hate that I am selfish - sometimes I want my comfort more than their training.

I hate knowing that someday they won't need me, even though that is what I am raising them to do.

I hate loving them so much it hurts.

I hate my pride that is exposed every time they resist my correction in public.

I love hearing Legos dumped out looking for that one important piece.

I love each of us singing and praying on the way to school.

I love the sound of rowdy Nerf-gun play coming from the basement.

I love the prayers prayed over sleeping heads.

I love the smiles that show me my efforts are not in vain.

I love the angry frowny faces that reveal the needs of their hearts.

I love the remiders of how long I prayed for them - before they came - even when it hurts.

I love being a mom even though it is the hardest most challenging part of who I am.

I love my God who not only gave me the one child I cried out for, but three more from my womb and many more birthed in my heart.

Creative Pores, Box Cars, and Snow Snacks

2012-01-27T08:55:00.000-08:00

There seems to be a problem with linking up with my friend with the "Fess Up Friday" posts so I guess this one is on my own. Here it is without the cool "button".

I haven't "Fessed Up" for a while. Trying to get back to my blog has been a long effort, but I have missed it so much I had to just jump back in and be okay if it isn't brilliant.

My oldest fella never ceases to amaze me. Creativity oozes from his pores. As you can see.

The AWANA group we are participating with this year did a "Box Car" movie night. I know confessing this will make some parents think I am a bad mom, but really, I DID NOT WANT TO BUILD A BOX CAR! I resisted until the very last minute. Literally. AWANA starts at 6:30 and I began building them at 6pm. I know, how sad. We could have spent a week, painting, planning, preparing, but no. I was many weeks in to single parenting during the week and I just wanted Daddy to be home to do this one thing. But, it turns out, building Box Cars is fun! We laughed and colored and "hurry up we have to go!" Next year, I will be ready and waiting for this event! Silly me!

We had a LOT of snow recently. It has all turned to a dribbly, squishy, puddled mess now, but for a few days it was really fun. Twizzler snacks in the snow fort was one of the highlights.

One of my favorite highlights...
Little boy hat hair!

I cannot promise weekly "Fess Ups" but I am thankful to be back up and blogging after a long time away! Thanks for reading! Blessings!

What a Week!

2012-01-26T21:16:00.000-08:00

The pain of this week has seemed unbearable.

1) Letting go of a house I really saw as the answerto our cramped quarters, the space we long for to use for ministry and theblessing of a kitchen I can really work in without feeling claustrophobic.

2) Letting go of my baby I lost 5 years ago – all overagain. Somehow this year it is palpable. I think it has to do with praying forso many close ones who are suffering loss at the moment.

3) Pressing in on the last week of a fast I havebeen doing. The first 14 days have been hard but this final week feels like I am drawing from every resource I have(and don't have!) to see it to the end.

4) Managinga “monthly cycle” that is random and hormonal swings that are tantamount toinsane.

5) Trusting God with it all when I am angry &sad.

The joys of this week have come in waves like the pain.

1) A man named Mike Howard came to our church andwas such a huge encouragement! He literally busted wide open my heart for Godand I know I loved Him lots before! I am changed!

2) I have a dear friend who experienced somespectacular healing from the Lord this week. Something I have prayed for herfor months. What a delight to see her sparkle where grief and despair used toovertake her appearance!

3) My husband and I prayed. We heard from God. Wemade a decision in unison even though it was incredibly hard. There isgratitude, even in the hard choices.

4) My fellas have touched my heart deeply thisweek. Reaching out to pray for me when I am struggling and reminding me howmuch they love me, all the time.

5) I realized that for the first time in my adult life, I am not using food for anything besides fuel for my body.

6) I am so thankful for the blessing of living mylife. Every. Single. Day. Even when Ihave to smile through the tears.

The Next Step

2012-01-15T22:50:00.000-08:00

I feel we have spent the last three years or so inincubation. I sense we are about to move into the next steps of our journey asa family…

We left Californiato make a new start. We arrived in North Idahonot knowing all God would have in store for us…

A couple of kids who love each other, love God and loveadventure…

We lived in a new place every six months for the first fewyears we were married. We lived in an apartment, a house way downtown, a coupleof trailers of varying degrees of disrepair, and then, our dream to own ahouse, it came true. Gifts from my grandparents and my parents gave us adownpayment, Erik drew the plans and he built it.

You can see from this picture we didn’t even completely havefront steps and the stickers were still on the windows when this was taken. Wewaited to try to have kids until we had a house. We lived in this housethroughout our entire season of infertility until one day, it finally happened.After 9 ½ years we had become pregnant and based on our sense of Erik’s mom’sneed (she never would have asked, but God put it on our hearts) we sold thishouse and bought one that would accommodate a separate space for Mom B to have.

He blessed us in our new space. Abundantly.

We have spent the last eight years being blessed, growing asa family. Mom B has found her own space but not until she helped me get throughthe challenges of having two babies back to back (14 months apart). We haveloved, lived, yelled, grown, cried, laughed so hard our faces hurt, entertainedand delighted in the precious place God provided for us.

But now, I sense it is time to move on. I don’t know what isnext. As we pursue the pre-approval process and look at new homes, I lookforward and backward at the same time, knowing that the gift of this space Ibrought my babies home to, the space where we became a multi-generationalfamily, the space that nourished and nurtured all of us is going to blesssomeone else and we will move ahead into the destiny God has planned for us.

We plunge ahead sensing the door on this place close and thenext door opening even when we don’t know what the next address will be. But,we do know this:

- The Faithfulness of our God remains as constant and asconsistent as it has ever been.

- The nourishment we have received in this space is notexclusive to this place but will be just as present as the next – because theSpirit of the Living, Loving, and Awesome God will be there, just like He ishere.

- The space we gain will be taken up by the next seasonof people, plans and purposes He has ordained since before either of us wasborn.

- Hearing His heart for us, our ears to His chest, myLove and I will KNOW beyond the shadow of doubt exactly what space He has forus just like we did before.

- We will continue on the path set before us full of joy,peace and hope.

I invite you to pray with us as we start out on this nextpart of our journey. J

Keeping it Real and Thankful

2011-11-19T14:26:00.001-08:00

Well, I missed Friday, but since it's Saturday, I am going to say close enough!

My friend Kira at Kissing the Joy as it Flies inspired me to get this blog written. I have been in a "BLOGJAM" for weeks... I have several floating around but none seem to find their way to the computer.

My 3 yr old has now moved on to explaining in very meticulous detail why I am a bad mommy for not letting him do whatever he wants. I have had to move past the "time out" consequence to something a little more impactful. I must admit though, I am moderately amused by his ability to articulate his distress and sometimes I let him finish expressing himself just to see where he ends up. Often, "I love you Mommy!" is the final thing that comes out of his mouth. I think he is pretty sure that will reduce the consequence portion of our "moment" together, but it doesn't. It never really has. But, he keeps trying.
I have had a migraine and tension headache combo for 5 days now. My patience is short and my dish pile is high.
I'm holding down the home front while my Love labors elsewhere
I am tracking my calories and trying to workout. I did have to leave spin class before I puked or fell off earlier this week. But I did manage to swim 700yards yesterday - I just needed to MOVE!
We made it through our parent teacher conferences (so glad my fellas have great teachers, I know their job isn't easy)
I had to miss ministry commitments
I am trying to keep up on the house (except the dishes ;)
I keep beating myself up. A lot. About how I am not doing enough for my kids, how I should be training them better about life, about how I am only mediocre at many things but should be excellent, etc. I can't seem to shake it off sometimes.
I watched an info-mercial about a product I already have and thought, "hey, I should do that"... duh.
I love the snow.
I hate when people complain about the weather. Seriously. BE THANKFUL for WHATEVER comes! NOW!
I am not expecting a thousand comments telling me I am a good mom. I just have to keep it real here.
I am worried I won't make my goal weight for my last weight loss challenge. I am SO close, but stress, and not eating it (which is what I usually do) is really messing with me!!!!!!!
In keeping with the above comment about BE THANKFUL --- Here they are!
I AM THANKFUL FOR:

Bedtime, sleeping cherubs are soooo very amazing!

Silly faces and pretending you don't need your sleeves.

Snowball fights with the trailer and the side of the house.

Ohhh, I just love him. Our marriage isn't easy, but it's worth it.

A carpet of glorious leaves. A birdhouse gift over 10 years old that still blesses me - every day.

Getting to fall in love - every single day.

Life is hard sometimes. And I may not always have the best attitude. But really, at the end of the day, I am thankful. So very thankful.

Halloween Education and Humiliation and Wonder Woman Wannabe

2011-11-04T22:09:00.000-07:00

This week's "Fess Up Friday" is a little different - a few funny revelations and some important ones as well.

This was a wild week.

Kicking off the week with a 9 day cleanse (on this wonderful nutritional supplement I take) focused me on what I need to be committed to. A few days in I wrote this blog outlining what those things are. It helped clarify and direct my purpose. I am so glad... because several things would come up...

FESS UP 1) To "celebrate" Halloween or not? - Well, we don't. Mostly. I hate the holiday and am always annoyed when it shows up and so glad when it's over. But this year, little boys being older, they had good questions...

---- Mommy, can we put a graveyard in our front yard too?
---- Can I be a vampire?
---- When are we going to decorate for Halloween?
----- How come I can't watch "Scream"?

Ugh. At first I was annoyed. But, as I prayed I asked God to show me what to say, in their language and understanding.
Here were my answers as close as I remember:
--- Graveyards represent death. We celebrate life because Jesus is Life. So we will never have a graveyard in our yard.
---- No, vampires are not fun characters. They love darkness and we love light. You are not going to pretend to be one because you are a child of God, you love the Light that is Jesus in your heart.
---- We don't "decorate" for Halloween other than pumpkins because we don't want to celebrate "death". Pumpkin carving is something we can enjoy doing as a family and it is okay to want a grumpy pumpkin carved, because sometimes we are grumpy. (For those of you who notice the Frankenstein pumpkin, the closest my kids have come to an understanding of who he is was an episode of Phineas and Ferb. Goofy and silly style - we did not elaborate on who he is or what he means - it didn't come up-whew!)
---- Uh, where did you even hear about the movie "Scream"? Yikes, kids in your class in 2nd grade have seen it? Oh and then there was that fund raiser toy duck that had the 'scream' face... (GRRRR!!!) NO, you will not watch it. It is yucky and would give you worse nightmares than the time you watched Scooby Doo with the babysitter.

I realize these are not completely perfect answers. But, they communicated my heart and satisfied theirs. My oldest mentioned on Halloween morning he was worried about going to school that day and seeing icky and scary costumes. I asked him what he was going to do, he said he would look away. I asked him after school. He looked away.

FESS UP 2) Can I just say, I really wanted to keep them home from school that day. Seriously. To just skip it completely. But, I knew I wasn't supposed to. They go to public school because they are little shining lights in a world that needs Jesus. I love the tales they come home with and they are truly little blessings in spite of their flaws according to all of the school staff that work with them. Trust me, I have spent a lot of time with those very kind people. God bless them, every one!

Here are some photos for your amusement and leading up to the next "Fess Up"

My puppy was wagging his tail. OH MY GOSH - It was hilarious!

Air Clone Warriors

Smores cooked over the fire pit. So fun!

FESS UP 3) We did not attend our own church's Harvest party.
I know, it seems crazy. We adore our church. Everyone there feels like dear friends and family, but this year we needed to keep the kids close to home (our church is 20min away) because they were on the verge of getting sick and so we went to the small friendly church where they attend AWANA once a week. We had a wonderful time and we were ten minutes round trip from home. As you can see, everyone had a blast. We got to meet some more precious members of the Body of Christ.

FESS UP 4)I personally loved hearing a little old guy on a plug in speaker playing his guitar and singing Gaither songs from my youth. If you don't know who the "Gaithers" are, go ahead an google them. And don't tell me you did, it will make me feel old.

FESS UP 5) I had no idea I needed to school my children on Trick or Treat protocol. Initially I was going to bag it and let them watch Star Wars for the 938th time. My Love was out of town and I wasn't going to go it alone, but another mommy with her Love working that night agreed she would if I would, so off we went to her house to troll the neighborhood for candy. (Our neighborhood bought their houses brand new and have now paid them off, if you know what I mean. But we did go across the street and they had some candy for us)

It seemed like a harmless plan until...
Two of my three children went RUNNING up to the house hitting the doorbell like they were alerting them to the Apocalypse! THEN they ran INTO their house!!! Yes, all the way in, to their living room. Total strangers. Fabulous! I was glad it was dark and they couldn't see my face and only heard me hollering for them to back out and be sure to say "thank you"! I was SO embarrassed. Again, glad no one could see me. This happened several times. I had several warning huddles at which time they quit going in houses and hitting the doorbells multiple times but then they began running ahead, around the corners, knocking other kids out of their way, another conversation, oh and then, I got a little closer and realized they were sorting through the generously offered candy informing the kind givers what they wanted and didn't want. WOW! I had no idea - none at all - that my non-shy, honest, super confident little guys would make me seriously make me consider the NEED to dress up next year.

FESS UP 6) My friend Kira, author of the Fess Up Friday, posted this blog today. She told me not to cry, but I did anyway. I don't cry often at blogs. I swear. But this one, touched me. There is something about her writing that moves me. Our lives are so similar in many ways. Her blogs speak to deep places in me that make me a better mom. She is one of my heroes.

FESS UP 7) I have been following a very important series written by a blogger Kira led me to. Her blog is called Wonder Woman Wannabe.

She spent all of October writing a series called 31 Days to Finding Balance as a Home Manager. This series changed me. I could write an entire blog just on it, which hopefully I will soon, but basically put, since I quit working to be a stay at home mom I have shunned the idea of managing anything. A type B personality wedged into an Executive Secretary position for most of my employment career, all I wanted to do when I had babies was to not administrate, answer phones, or work in human resources... Well, we all know that is delusional, but who isn't as they approach the end of their first pregnancy! She taught me key things about auditing my time (where does it go?!) which I started and then quit because I had sick kids that made my whole world come to a halt. She challenged me to see myself in an important role - home manager. It got me thinking after roughly seven years of a survival mindset, I needed to make some changes. I alluded to them in the #1 Fess Up. She encouraged me to make a road map for my days, which I always do when I leave someone else in charge. And honestly, all 31 posts were a HUGE blessing to me. I have implemented many of them and reaped rewards of more order in my home and a clearer head when dealing with curve balls. The last ones, from 19-31 were short, sweet and powerful in their various impacts on me. I now have another hero. Another woman in my life that calls out the best in me and expects me to be all God created me to be regardless of how I "feel" on any given day.

FESS UP 8) I am not going to compulsively read this through 5 times to make all my edits. My Love is home and I'd rather snuggle. Please pardon any oversights and over-wordy-ness.

I am so grateful for this past week!

Ninjas, Losing Stuff and Mediocre Meatballs

2011-10-28T02:00:00.000-07:00

It has been a few weeks since my last "Fess Up". It's not like I am low on material!

Here we go!

My sister and her husband brought their boys over for our 20th Anniversary party a couple of weeks ago (I said I was catching up!) and one of her four taught them a new trick. Pretty slick ninja masks! I asked my sister where they got the idea. She said her son came up with it, creativity flows freely in our family... it just comes out in strange ways sometimes... but that's a story for another time.

My Love and I took a trip to Sonoma County, California for a short getaway to celebrate our anniversary. I had a couple of strange moments. No, not because of too much wine...but, too much pictures? I am not entirely sure, but here are a couple of the shots that would have raised my eyebrow... if I could do that sort of thing...

I took about 5 pictures of my sandy feet. I love having sandy feet, but how many pictures do I NEED of them, really?

This is the first picture of myself I have seen from the behind and not gasped in horror at the size of my caboose. Not that it is smaller, but for some reason, it did not strike disgust, distress, or even a negative thought. Cool huh?

During the hot air balloon ride we flew over a beautiful cornfield. So beautiful, in fact, that I took like 15 pictures of the corn. From this angle. What was I thinking? I have no idea. Guess never seeing corn from above before I went a little crazy.

Since we've been home I have been losing things. Those of you who follow me know I am constantly battling clutter. The combination of being super busy before our party, doing marginal/basic "pick up" housecleaning, and misplacing a few important items led me to do some major sort/organize/clean out projects. Here is one of them. The toy boxes in my youngest fella's room have suffered neglect. When Daddy's office keys went missing somewhere in the house, we had to look in all the potential places. We couldn't imagine where they went or what my little guy did with them since he carries them around everywhere but never puts them down where they don't belong. Until now.

With a deep sigh, I plunged head first into the toy boxes and pulled everything out, removing toys that he'd long since grown out of, retrieving all the ABC blocks from various places and praying to find the keys some how, some way.

I did not find the keys (I did eventually - in the crack of the armchair), but if you look closely you can see the blocks I found... this must have been an "Irregular" discount toy based on the alphabet configuration. Comparing the pictures I hardly notice a difference. I swear I cleaned stuff out. Really. Honest.

My Love has been so amused by my cleaning up/out piles of whatever to find our missing stuff he has joked about hiding my cell phone or some other key items to get me to clean out other parts of the house he finds annoying (he is pretty meticulous about how he keeps "his" stuff). I smiled. He smiled back. I am a work in progress. He loves me.

This year we elected not to spend a ginormous fortune on pumpkin patch pumpkins and so we took them to our local roadside pumpkin stand... there were LOTS to choose from. Ironically, it didn't take any less time to pick out a pumpkin...

but there was definite happiness happening despite skipping the viney $$/lb pumpkin patch.

We also went up to Greenbluff to get some apples. This was the highlight of their trip... the balloon guy. Star Wars "helmets" and "light sabers" for everyone! We only lost one saber while apple picking for about 10 minutes. The apples were picked over and the ground was quite muddy after lots of rain. We stopped at my favorite organic orchard and got most of what we needed instead. I will have fresh picked apples for my Christmas apple pie. That makes me happy!

In the last few weeks I have tried to spruce up my cooking. There has been some success and some notable failures.

Flat, burnt or with corners - how do you like your snickerdoodles? I made my usual recipe. However, I was interrupted about three times during the flour scooping portion of the baking process and it took two tries and an oven temperature adjustment to get them right... and they still had "corners" because I had to jam as many as possible on the cookie sheet to get them finished on time for the Bosses Day celebration at my hubby's work.

Mediocre meatballs: A dear friend of mine is an extraordinary chef.
She gave me her favorite recipe for meatballs.

This is not what they were supposed to look like.

Again, my little interrupters can take some of the blame but my not reading the instructions thoroughly (like I put TOO many bread-not so exactly "crumbs" into the meat, forgot an ingredient or two, and instead of chopping the onions I lazily -she warned me not to- did them in the food processor which turned them to mushy soup texture.) also contributed to this disaster (well, they were edible so not a total disaster).

The recipe I doubled made about 16 meatballs that tasted more like "burger pops". If only they had been on a stick! I am currently considering marketing them to Starbucks to go alongside cake pops. What do you think of a ketchup dipping sauce accompaniment? Or maybe since they are ugly I could coat them in a hard ketchup coating like the cake pops have that cool pink coating?
Hmmm.... well, maybe not.
Next time I will have ALL the ingredients and PRINT the recipe instead of running back and forth to the computer stepping over a plastic Kawasaki ride-on motorcycle, errant bouncy balls and kids wielding giant pencils (their San Francisco souvenirs I insisted on) like swords.

Awesome White Bean Chicken Chili: To leave you on a high note (like George Costanza from Seinfeld recommends) I made this. Hopefully it looks good in the picture. I know what it tastes like. It is YUMMY!!!! My chef friend didn't have a favorite recipe for white bean chicken chili, so after looking at several from Bon Appetite, Kraft Foods, and Real Simple websites I decided to concoct my own.

I had to roast and grind cumin seeds ( I bought them for another recipe that I have NO idea now what it was) since I was out of powdered cumin - a key ingredient. I had to use my protein shake blender to grind the seeds since I apparently no longer have a coffee grinder (I discovered today after cleaning out two of the most likely locations). I made a gigantic crock pot full and gave half of it to a friend. It felt victorious to make something so yummy after the mediocre meatballs earlier this week!

I will post our pumpkin carving with my "Fess Ups" for next week, along with my answer to the Halloween or not to Halloween question...

Blessings and Happy Fall!

WOW!

2011-10-12T23:09:00.000-07:00

We were talking with friends last night at our marriage group about God's favor and blessing. Some days we feel like He barely knows we exist but He is surrounding us and providing for us never the less, other days, He blows the lid off of our expectations and reminds us that the God of infinite creativity is VERY activly involved in our day to day lives...
Today, I experienced Him above and beyond what I could have imagined... WOW!

We enjoy doing word find puzzles on airplane rides. I love that even when it gets hard and I want to give up, he keeps going and encourages me to keep going too.

He also rechecked our car rental options right before we left and found THIS ONE! I can't begin to tell you how precious this gift is... we both LOVE convertibles and to be in one again was not only FUN but nourised our spirits by the fresh air, breeze on our faces and the fabulous stereo system!

On a referal from a friend I got a great deal on a hotel nestled in a vineyard in Santa Rosa. They decided to upgrade our room for free...

My Love stopped the car along the highway so we could enjoy one of my most favorite places on the planet, the California coastline...

We hiked down the hill, and I ran across the sand to dunk my feet in the water... oh how I love sandy toes... I can't even begin to tell you what the beach does for my soul. Maybe someday...

Another favorite thing for me in Cali is the smell of the eucalyptus trees...

The beauty of the world around us blew my mind today. His presence surrounds me daily, but today I specifically felt His tenderness towards my Love and I, His passion for our love and His blessing on our perserverence.

We finished our evening with a romantic dinner at a lovely restaurant where we challenged each other to eat something "different" on the menu. It was a good stretch and super yummy...

Then, we came back to the room to this:

We know we are not responsible for all these amazing blessings today. Yes, we have chosen each other and done some hard work that wasn't always fun or even tolerable, but we lean on God for our strength. He is the reason we have made it this far. He is the reason we can face the next 20, 40, 60 years believing He will sustain and strengthen and bless us along the way.

Anniversary Eve

2011-10-11T08:04:00.000-07:00

Twenty years ago tomorrow I said "I do" to a guy some would say I barely knew.

We met, within four months we were engaged and within eleven months I was walking down the aisle on Daddy's arm.

We were so young. Everyone said so. We knew it, but we didn't care. We just knew we wanted to do life together. NOW.

Our first year was no honeymoon. It was tumultuous as two headstrong, opinionated, leaders clashed to fight for our identities and our passions. Things got broken, hearts hurt, noisy conflict and powerful reminders of why we even thought we could do this in the first place jolted us in and out of the fantasy we imagined marriage to be.

Just before our first anniversary we moved away from our families, a change of scenery and an opportunity to find our own way together. It was painful to leave the familiar, but two adventurous spirits dove right in, just like we did on the day we said "I do".

Looking back, I know it was one of the most powerful decisions we could have ever made. We had to learn to be friends because we really had no one else to do life with. We got busy trying to figure out how to be married.

Led to a church one Sunday morning, we settled there. Our new "family" helped us establish new habits and relationships that would withstand the test of time. Our faith was built, together even as we continued to battle at home for who we thought we should be together and as individuals.

Our faith, our friends and the fact that we find each other extremely funny has held us together all this time. One of my most favorite things is to get a full-on belly laugh out of him.

Nope, we aren't drunk, just us, being silly... still.

At 40 I know who I am, in relation to my God, my Love, our sons, and my family and friends. My Love has been the key to settling that in me. Putting the Truth of the Bible to accurate and tangible reminders of my design and purpose. He holds me close with tenderness and at times emphatically reminds me when I have lost sight of who I am. My flaws are fully exposed to him and he doesn't flinch. Even when I hurt his heart.

When we renewed our vows on Saturday, repeating heartfelt words that hold fresh meaning, I saw our life in his eyes. Our victories, our failures, our wins, our losses, our heated battles, our passionate connection, our joys, our sorrows, and our hope for our future knowing there will be more of each. We have no idea how long our "future" will be together, painful reminders of how short life is have kept that reality up close and personal. So, we celebrate. Each other. Every day we have. On purpose.

Many commented at my beauty that day, the glow and radiance that came from me. The compliments were lovely and encouraging but I wondered if they knew why I look the way I do. I am accepted and embraced by the God who created me and the man who chooses to love me every day of his life. I choose to receive their love as openly and freely as I can, every day.


We were praying. The boys, they were watching. ;) I am thankful to have this one shot taken by a friend. More to come in a future blog.

Bras, Back to School and Baggies!

2011-09-22T23:12:00.000-07:00

Oh well. It's been three weeks in the making...

You aren't going to believe this... I wake up Monday morning to an email from a company that says, "Cure the Monday Morning Blues, Buy 2 Bras, Get One Free!" Seriously. Are they kidding?
That is the last kind of "pick me up" I need! On a Monday morning my girls will be harnessed by my body armor type sports bra that will contain them until the end of my workout. Yes, I did buy it from that site, but seriously, it was not a "cure" for anything. Except since I bought the pink one, some portion of the outrageous price will help breast cancer research. That is a good thing.

I always seem to compliment my kids on their poo. What's up with that. I know I have been given the gift of encouragement, but really? I JUST realized it today when I was wiping my 3 year old fellas booty and said "good job!" out of habit. Wow. Well, I guess it can't hurt right? And boy oh boy, aren't you glad I didn't take a picture for this comment!!!!

I know it's a bit late to include the back to school pics, but that is my fess up anyway... I am still in back to school mode. We are just finishing our third week and I am still trying to get in the groove!!

Yes, he's going no where but with mom, but isn't it exciting to have a backpack anyway!?!!

The following pictures are strictly for "wow-ing" you with my use of plastic baggies. Oh, and so my boys can make their own lunches every day. We all like that!

Dessert bin - 1 item only

Snack bin - 1 item for after Cross Country, 1 item for snack time, 1 item for lunch box

Stacked neatly on my coffee table corner by my couch because my house is small and I haven't found anywhere else to put them yet.

They have to choose at least 1 "protein" either deli meat or cheese and 1 fruit or veggie. This system works really well, so far...

Oh AND I cleaned my refrigerator finally, after my son dumped half of a water pitcher all over the entire shelf and floor.

My sons have entered school this year with exuberance and I with trepidation. You see, we have this recurring theme that happens...

- Daddy gets called out of church because one of our sons has been talking and playing (light saber wars, no doubt) during Sunday school and after repeated warnings refuses to stop. Yes, that means, despite the patience and kindness of our children's pastor, he got kicked out.

- I have had two boys receive warnings about their behavior at the Kroc Center, my gym that I love, only slightly less than my church. My two older sons don't do the play care there anymore because my workouts happen when they are at school now. My youngest has had several different behavioral challenges at different times and I have promised him that if he gets kicked out of play care the consequences will be not only a grumpy mommy, but some very meaningful encounters with mommy for significant behavior modification. He has since chosen to change his ways. And yes, I said that to him exactly how I wrote it and he COMPLETELY understood... yeah, right! He is doing better though. I convinced him he was supposed to be a big helper. He likes that idea. so far.

- We went camping, to squeeze the last bit of summer fun from the woods, the sunshine and the campfire.

Learning how to use the "fire stick" and the axe really made mommy nervous. But, everyone had success.

And man cubs felt powerful and confident.

Jedi warriors like the woods too.

Daddy teaching the important art of plastic ware melting.

I think that looks super cool!

I took several more of these, but I thought 4 of my 12 attempts for a guy pic were enough to share the awesomeness of the fellas I do life with!

Blogging Contest Entry - I am not a finalist but I win anyway!

2011-09-11T22:16:00.000-07:00

The contest was to write about your "Unlikely Friendship".

She was on my husband’s volleyball team. A stay-at-home mom with two toddlers. I was working, miles from my family, and very lonely. We had one thing in common, a love for Scrabble.

We started playing weekly on my days off when her girls were napping. As we talked over our favorite board game we found we had more differences than similarities. We began to laugh more, be lonely less, and though we were very different in personality and taste, we started to like each other.

She beat me every game for months. I kept coming back. It was good to have someone to talk to, even if her life was vastly different than mine. Early in our conversations we found out we were California girls relocated to Idaho by our husbands. We reminisced about our childhoods and talked about how different life is in Idaho.

As the years went by, her girls grew up and she had two more babies while I was struggling with the pain of infertility. She included me as much as I could handle and listened lovingly to my agony over wanting my own.

We joked that someday, our lives would switch. I would be the stay-at-home mom, neck deep in toddlers, longing for adult conversation and she would be the busy career girl running off to work each day.

We did exactly that. Fifteen years after we met, I had three little ones under five, and she was a busy career woman with a college degree.

Eighteen years later, our unlikely friendship is best friendship. We lean on each others differences for balance and stability. We count on the “opposite” perspective, grateful for the years we spent figuring out how to be completely different and completely friends.

Crashes, Cleansing, and Summer Fun

2011-09-09T21:32:00.000-07:00

Since I have 2 weeks of "Fessions" this is a little long.

EVERY day it seems I am telling my boys:

Don't jump off that!

Don't jump on that!

Don't jump over that!

I wonder how severe the natural consequences will be if I let them happen. I remember the doc telling me once, "if you are going to let them have a "natural" consequence, just be prepared to go to the emergency room."

Back then, they were two and three. The disasters were smaller and there was certainly less power and force behind their motion!

Monday afternoon my middle fella, while I was sorting through their dressers getting summer clothes cleaned out and quickly chatting some party details with a friend, dove head first onto our sofa trying to do a flying somersault (at least that's what I figured out from my CSI style interrogation of the three of them). The shrieks sounded more angry at first, then pained and because sounds like these happen semi-frequently, I didn't run flying into his aid. I quickly finished my call, climbed off the floor over the piles and went to see what happened.

He was crying big tears as I wrapped my arms around him. I felt his neck where he said it hurt, EMT and Sports Medicine training kicking into gear. It was warm to the touch, sweaty (when he gets hurt he tenses up so hard so fast he starts profusely sweating), and slightly swollen. I tried not to panic, but placed a call to the Dr.'s office and my friend who's a chiropractor. Both were unavailable. I gave him an ice pack, settling him on the couch and a dose of ibuprofen. My Love came home from work and we agreed we'd see how he was in the morning. He prayed for him when he tucked him in. I went in, after my meeting and prayed over him too.

He woke up the next morning, not a single sign of any injury at all. No heat, no swelling, no nothing. WOW!

The Dr checked him out later and not a single sign of injury. He was as busy and happy as ever all day long. What a huge blessing to see him playing at the park, sliding, and spinning the merry go round.

Twice this week I have left my kitchen with the muffin mix spilled, the spaghetti sauce splattered, pancake batter jumped out of the bowl, my 3 year old put his leftover milk in the fridge leaving a sticky trail behind him (I didn't notice until after it dried), and crumbs coating the floor like remnants of a food fight. And the worst - I didn't really care.

WHY?? You are dying to know aren't you!?!
I was cleansing. I love my product I use to cleanse, when my body isn't as toxic as a cesspool! When I eat well and do a regular cleanse I feel energized and enthusiastic about cleaning my body from the inside out. When I have been a few weeks submerged in what I can only call "life's a party might as well eat!" living - the cleanse is a little rougher. The post sugar headache withdrawl, the cranky attitude, the grumbly tummy, the wishing I could eat the entire stage of Iron Chef America... all converge to remind me that I have GOT to take better care of myself.

SO I AM.

One meal, one day, one week, one month at a time. Conquering my worst foe with discipline and commitment on my side. Like a Jedi of Nutrition I am going to fight to the death my destructive eating habits, shooting them down with my positive blasters made of a passionate desire to live my true destiny, not some artificially preserved substitute for healthy living.

SO THERE. I really mean it.

I know it's hard work. I confess I don't want to do it if I think about it droning on and on like that annoying neighbor mowing his lawn at 7am on Saturday morning.

Instead I am focusing on the hard work I have already done.
LIKE:

- I convinced my 7 year old he did not HAVE to wear THAT shirt today, but he could pick a different, cooler one that matched his shorts.

- I convinced my 6 year old that playing the Wii with his little brother is part of "teaching" him and not complete torture.

- I convinced my 3 year old that my keys for the Kroc are "Secret Agent Keys" that he can only hold when he behaves well.

- I cooked spaghetti sauce for 12, froze it and will deliver 2 containers of it to the boys teachers hoping that will convince them I am on their side.

- I blanched 20lbs of peaches and froze them in neat packages while only getting one glob on my shirt that didn't come out.

- I completed my first triathlon , my second triathlon , my third triathlon (haven't blogged it yet, but hope to this weekend) and swam a mile in less than 1 year.

Surely I possess enough strength and self control to actually eat healthy.

Yeah, I confess I want to quit already. But not this time. I am grabbing it with all I have, consistency, focus and determination and some good old fashioned discipline. The same things that got me across those finish lines - they will get me to my goal of real life no kidding no going back weight loss. Period.

We went peach pickin' - yeah, it makes me feel like a farmer to say it that way. This year I let the boys climb the ladder... well, let's just say they got up there before I could do anything about it... it was fun watching them when I wasn't trying to ignore the queasy feeling in my stomach over the thought of them having a "natural" experience of gravity.

Thankfully only one of them really liked it up high. Whew!

We finally took the kids to our local amusement park this year. They earned their tickets by reading 600 minutes in 2 months. It was great to see their reading level go up and I am a little embarrassed to say I was motivated to help them get free tickets because park admission is STEEP!

They had never been before. We had no idea how it would go. Here are a few amusing moments:

This was the last happy moment my lil guy had before he found out he was too small to ride the bumper cars with Daddy. It was devastating, until we talked about going on another ride.

My favorite part of the day... My key obsessed youngest grilled the operator of this ride for roughly 45 minutes about the use of his key, where it went, when he should turn it, when the button should be pushed, etc.

He also helped "unlock" the gate...

My big fellas (one showing here, the other one was next to my youngest) thought this giant swing was a great idea.

My smallest shut this ride down with his screaming. Everyone had to get off and get back in line. He was NOT a fan of the giant swing.

This was the best ride of the day as far as I was concerned. Big Boys independent in their own boats they can drive, shooting their dad, little brother and each other and getting shot by random strangers. They grinned and laughed the whole time!

This summer we had lots of fun. We ate out more than usual. It wasn't on purpose. I just kind of lost interest in cooking and saved the grocery money to spend on less quality food.

On one of these outings - just me and the fellas we found out some handy restaurant trivia.

The servers at one of the fellas favorite restaurants sat us near the bar. I was then asked to explain why the girl kept pouring drinks into the counter, where did the drink go and what is that white fluffy stuff on top of it? Explaining the "head" on a beer was really something I hadn't planned on discussing with my sons for several more years. Thankfully, they went on to other pressing questions like:
- How many dishwashers are there here?
- How long until dinner?
- Can I have more rolls?
I was relieved to go back to normal little boy questions.

Next week we'll talk about the comical first couple of weeks of school. Happy Weekend to all!

In Real Life

2011-09-09T16:28:00.000-07:00

In my real life
there are crumbs on the floor
Stickers stuck in places you don't expect
Boogers picked in public
Tempers flare
Eyes Roll
Bugs splat on the windshield of a freshly washed car

Peace overtakes trauma
Laughter offsets turmoil
Odd suggestions for dinner - eyebrow soup
Make little guys wonder
What Mom has been up to all day.

Joy may come in the morning
But we are super glad when it shows up at bedtime.

We spread ourselves too thin
Watch too much Phineas and Ferb
Snuggle instead of "accomplish stuff"

Feel like obligations tempt to override heart needs
Choose Hearts instead and annoy others
Consequences happen
Kick fights on the couch interrupt my concentration
Little boy amusing activities over ride comfort zones of parents

What I love about being IN REAL LIFE:

It is fun
It hurts sometimes, reminding me I'm alive and I love.
It pours over me like a flood or trickles like a slow stream
It seems random a lot, but it never really is.

And best of all,
We are all held in the snug and loving hand of a Father who LOVES our Real Life.

Sticky or Slick?

2011-08-27T11:01:00.000-07:00

After reading this blog yesterday and several others from times past, I could not go to bed last night without doing my own Five Minute Friday writing as suggested by The Gypsy Mama
She gives a prompt and we are to write for 5 minutes on the subject. Except I didn't know that last night. I just thought - I should write for 5 minutes on something. What? The word "Fly Paper" came to mind. I know it's weird and random, and I doubt Gypsy Mama would have given that prompt. But, here is a "button" to her site and below is my crazy writing on "Fly Paper".

My creative juices wouldn't let me rest until I wrote this down:

Sticky or Slick?

I feel a bit like fly paper.
Strung out.
Sticky.

Stuff stuck to me.

Attracting stuff
Is easy.
The hard part
Extracting stuff
From my sticky self.

What does it represent?
Why should I let it go?
Will it start to stink?

The clutter
Continues to build.
I get heavier.
It's harder to see
My surface.

Fly paper is discarded
When fully loaded.

What about me?
How do I remove
Stuff?

Unstick myself!
Make the choice
Don't be sticky!

Be like waxed paper
Handy but slick
Capable but removable.

I choose.
God empowers.
Unstuck.
Smooth and ready
To be used by Him.

The Good Day, The Bad Mom and The Ugly Cake

2011-08-26T09:26:00.000-07:00

I have never seen the Clint Eastwood movie "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly", but for as long as I can remember that phrase has stuck in my head. It sums up a lot of different days, weeks or months (thankfully, never years!).

I begin with my third triathlon, which I can't seem to bring myself to blog about (time and wrapping my brain around the HUGE transition that happened in me). That is the GOOD Day:

The Good Day:
I will briefly summarize: What a delight to wake up at 4am on a Sunday morning! It was gorgeous and the smell reminded me of every awesome early morning adventure of my life. Once I arrived at the race, great friend from Tennessee by my side, I knew, even despite the butterflies partying it up in my core, it was going to be a different day. It was. I blew my own expectations out of the water (pun intended) with speed and endurance in the water and the bike. The run forced me to really guard my mind and focus on important stuff to keep me going even when I was huffing and puffing (and practically snorting) like a horse pulling a heavy plow. I crossed the finish line feeling victorious. It was a GOOD day.

As usual, my good day felt a little marred when the pictures taken by the race photographer revealed that the size I am in my head is NOT at all what I actually look like! Dang!

On another note, that GOOD day also turned a little sour when we realized my camera got lost that day. The one I live with on my desk, used almost every day to capture our lives. I am crushed. We have looked everywhere. I am still praying it will turn up somehow.

The Bad Mom:
Yes, I said it. The BAD Mom words have been plaguing me for weeks. What some say to me is that if you are a bad mom, you never even ask the question, "Am I a bad mom?" you just don't care. The thing is, if I even indulge in one thought, aligning myself with the enemy who's intent is to steal, kill and destroy all of God's amazing work in me and through me, the thoughts don't stop, they undermine my ability to think clearly and my frustration drives my reactions to my fellas choices and then I become what I dread, a BAD Mom. I hate it when that happens.

I confess to having spent the majority of this week living in that place. On the edge of tears, pleading with them before we enter some location that they not embarrass me and struggling with my temper. And, because they are unsettled by my inner turmoil, they act up, mostly because they are reacting to the disturbance in my "force" (yeah, I was pretty sure I couldn't do one blog without a Star Wars term!).

Today, I am still battling that thinking. A beloved sister of my heart wrote this amazing blog on Grace. I have been marinating in her mom's definition of undeserved kindness. The Lord has been speaking to me about it. Convicting me of my failure to give my children undeserved kindness.

AND THEN...
He says, "You get Grace too."

I know the Bible says that. But do I recognize that I get grace too, as a mom? Where in my head am I, by faith, grabbing on to His deposit of undeserved kindness in my heart and apply it not just to others but to.... MYSELF?

Most dudes I know don't spend hours beating themselves up over their mistakes. They just move on. Not the moms I know. We mercilessly analyze what we've done wrong. What we should have done better, what would whoever think of us if they saw us do thus-and-such. Would we end up going to jail like that mom who taped herself giving her kid hot sauce and a cold shower? Would we do the same if pushed to the limits of our sanity, cry out for help and then end up in jail?

What if those you love "hint" you are a bad mom? What if they don't actually say it. But, deep down, you know they think it. What if your husband doesn't weigh in on things that really matter? What if you have to figure it out yourself? What if your husband does weigh in on things that matter and you end up feeling like a bigger failure (even if that is not his intent?) What if ...

I could go on for days. Discouragement is one of the worst things that undermines moms. It doesn't matter if anyone is saying it, we say it to ourselves. We hear it in our hearts when our kids misbehave (no matter how old they are), say something we wish they wouldn't or worse, repeat after us!

SO - WHAT TO DO ABOUT THIS????

I have the answer! I promise. His name is Jesus, He died for our sins, our mistakes, our flaws, our colossal disastrous choices.

My long time in Heaven mentor, Corrie ten Boom says, "There is no pit so deep that He is not deeper still."

Whether you are in a concentration camp in Nazi Germany or you are surrounded by little people clamoring for your exhausted attention, the truth of that statement remains.

He has chosen, redeemed, forgiven and lavished His grace on me. When I take off the BAD MOM glasses that filter my thinking and my vision and BELIEVE in what He has done in me,

I AM FREE.

To be the mom my kids need. Not perfect. Chosen by God for them specifically knowing who they are, who they will become and who they need to shape His purpose in them.

Next week, I will not be confessing I stayed in this place. Next week I will be victorious and confessing the crazy and silly adventures we went on - flaws and all.

Now, for the UGLY Cake:

I was committed to make a from scratch birthday cake for the first time in ages. I searched the web, asked my favorite chef (who didn't have a recommendation except for Epicurious - but when I looked on that site I panicked and quick did another search) and found what seemed like a good recipe. Not so much. Obviously. I should have listened to my friend.

I ended up sending my Love to the store at 9:45pm to get a Betty Crocker mix and canned frosting. I was too exhausted to try to whip powdered sugar all over my kitchen to make my own taking the chance it would come out awful too. I was trying to make brown frosting like the bottom of the forest. The color, well, it was really bad. If I'd had a camera I would have taken a picture. Sigh.

Anywhoo... I prayed. I begged God to help me get this to turn out like something my freshly-six year old would love. I had my Love build the LEGO set we bought for his birthday so I wouldn't feel guilty about not molding intricate Star Wars characters out of fondant. Yeah, not so much... but something has to go on top of the cake, right?

That is the final product. Yes, he loved it. I did not love washing frosting out of LEGO pieces yesterday, but it still took less time than creating fondant storm trooper and ewoks.

There ya have it. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly of my week. The conclusion is truly this: GOD is Good, I am not BAD, and UGLY cakes happen!

Firehouse Rules, Darth Vader's Laundry, and BMX Improv

2011-08-19T00:00:00.000-07:00

I had most of my blog ready to go last week, in my head...
So, I have combined it with this weeks "Fess Ups"
One more triathlon and Lord willing, I will be on a somewhat normal schedule again.

My Grandmother's 90th birthday was August 6. We traveled to Seattle to celebrate with her, my Grandfather, my folks, my sister and her family and a whole host of other relatives. That will be a blog all to itself. But, in keeping with the 'Fess Up theme, I shall narrow it down to one amusing event that sums it all up for now.

My Dad is the Chaplain for the Tukwila Fire and Police Departments. We were looking for some fun ways for the cousins to enjoy being together without spending too much time all together at my parents one bedroom one bath home. Dad hatched the great plan to take all his seven grandsons to the fire house to look at the trucks. It was a brilliant plan.

This is Grandpa instructing his grandsons about the importance of not touching anything you aren't supposed to, listening to the firemen, and behaving nicely.


All seven, 11 and under going in...

And he discovers a button he can push...

Seriously, they let him behind the wheel?! They let him sit in the Captain's seat first, but that wasn't near as impressive as the driver's seat. The Captain may be in charge, but the DRIVER gets to DRIVE THE BIG RED TRUCK!!

LIttle brother gets to drive, Biggest brother thinks he should get to push it too. That did not go over well.

My oldest behind the wheel... growing up.

My sister's #3 gets a turn. They all did. So fun to drive, even when you are small.

Okay, this is dangerous. They locked the doors. All of them with a quick push of a button. Fireman had to use door code to get them out. Yeah, these two together = double trouble! But aren't they cute?!


DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!

Okay, this part, funny and a tad embarrassing. Not listening, endless questions about crashes, tools, can I lay down on the bed, can I drive this one? Where is the siren? Yes, he could barely get a word in...

After the #54 sign was removed and replaced, we attempted a group shot.

Do you see the Karate Kid? He has NOT seen the movie. I have NO idea where he got that. I certainly didn't teach it to him. Maybe his dad...

Kids from Hawaii know the "shaka", kids from Idaho try to figure it out. LOL.

I have to do LOTS of laundry. Any mom with little kids does. It's a fact of life. But do you have to do Darth Vader's laundry? I have no idea how he managed to sneak it in, but I assure you, I will recommend he does his own...

And finally, earlier this week I gave the boys the choice between a trip to the beach to play in the water or to ride their bikes at the local BMX track. They picked the BMX. My youngest was not amused. But he and I will hopefully get a beach day or two in after the big boys go back to school. Hopefully.

My oldest is getting his coordination and his strength to power through the bumps, hills, curves standing on his pedals and focused on speed. He LOVES this. I think we might have to start looking into a real BMX bike and helmet for him.

Meanwhile my youngest is amusing himself with playing with the cords in the dead video camera bag. I had no idea that if I charged it and left it in the bag for two months it would be dead when I wanted it. Such a bummer!

He eventually decided to play with his "vehicle of choice" after some convincing that if he plugged the wrong something into a random hole he might break something important. He had an opinion on that. As he does on everything.

He rode and rode and rode, hiking up the huge hill over and over again to start at the very top.

My second son is not quite six yet and very cautious. He is more aggressive but he is way more precise and careful in how he tries new things. He sits and watches every bump come and go, sometimes using his brakes.

The trips we made to the BMX this week (yes, we went twice) were very revealing again of how different my first two are. They are 14 months apart so I have often treated them like twins. An injustice to both of them. As I watched them tackle the same obstacle so differently over and over, I felt a nudge from the Holy Spirit that I need to be VERY diligent about how I connect with them from now on. Focusing on their differences, their uniqueness and their individual personalities honors who they are each becoming.

I then had a moment of raw panic when I shifted from my paparazzi mindset to find my youngest son. He was no where to be found. I called his name and started looking frantically for him. I yelled to the older boys to help me find him. About thirty long seconds go by when my oldest yells, "Mom! He's on the track!"

Sure enough my clever little adventurer who is too small to ride his bike on the track (it doesn't work well with training wheels) decided he was sick of bouncing around on a rubber ball. He climbed the giant hill and RAN the entire track, loving every minute of it! Look at the concentration on his little face!

Ta-da! He finished! I cheered and yelled like he had just finished a real race! Again I found myself blown away by the tenacity and ingenuity of my fellas. How could I miss that he wants to be just like his brothers and is willing to do whatever he can, within his skill set to accomplish that.

I am humbled by them.

I am exhausted by them.

This has also been a tough week of consequences, choices and Mommy yelling in frustration. I am trying to teach them honor, respect, kindness, and self-control. And yet, over and over again, I blow it. I repent for dishonoring, disrespecting, unkindness, and my lack of self-control. We agree to try again. This week has been a little harder with Daddy out of town and Mommy taking things personal (which I usually don't) in her weariness. I know I will win the war, but this week, I have lost several battles (with my own temper). Consistency is my daily challenge. I am learning another layer of endurance. I will keep up the hard work, because it is really GOOD work, even if it doesn't feel like it will ever pay off. Someday, I pray it will.

Because I have a choice to make:
I can be either one of these guys, depending on the moment...

God in the Yard Week 7 Sabbath on a Page

2011-08-18T02:00:00.000-07:00

At the end of week 7 L.L. Barkat challenges me to go for a week writing about nothing spiritual. The "Sabbath on a Page" exercise is to practice "stream of consciousness writing" basically just writing whatever comes to mind without stopping. To "rest" from edits and such. I love the concept and though my life doesn't allow for doing this daily, I try, once a week on this journey to do it. Here is what fell out of my head:

The morning mist of ocean smell
As I trot along the path
Childhood memories echo
Amidst the fragrant coastline.

I feel my body protest
The usual soreness and aches
Exiting to make way for
Stronger faster pursuits.

Dogs chasing balls
Kids protesting parental restraint
All lead up to today's finish line.

Yachts of all sizes and builds
Sails reaching for the wind
They jostle for position
Anticipation building

With a smoke laden "Bang!"
They launch toward adventure
Just like me...

I wrote this in Victoria BC where my Love took me to celebrate my 40th birthday. We ran the two miles from our hotel to the start of the Swiftsure Yacht Race. It was a wonderful morning.

God in the Yard Week 7 - Playing With God

2011-08-17T02:00:00.000-07:00

Showing up/Hiding - Stretching your body and translating the sensations into emotions and thoughts

Hiding: Many people live without fitness. Unmotivated or uninterested in such a focus they live without the ache of muscles developed, well-used and then rested. Instead they live with the ache of inactivity. The constant drain of inaction can be so debilitating and lead to depression. I used to live in that place.

Showing up: When I stretch my aching muscles from my latest run/bike/swim I feel the pain of the "work" and the joy of having the ability to be in pain. The tension between strengthening and exhaustion balanced with every workout.

It is in the places of stretching and aching I feel joy. Celebrating my transition from the sedentary life to a fitness lifestyle.

Now, on the days when I don't work out, I am not hiding. I am actively pursuing the rest my body requires. When I do work out, I am showing up. Actively pursuing the fitness my body requires.

In relation to my connection with God, the seasons of ebb and flow of His presence is quite similar. When the connection is deep and rich it strengthens my faith and exercise my spirit. When my feeling of His presence draws back like the tide, the release of the tension, the eye of the hurricane brings rest and retreat.

I pray this makes sense. I know it is a little bit of a stretch (pun intended).

God in the Yard Week 7 Section 3

2011-08-16T07:47:00.000-07:00

Oh how I have longed for you to be on this journey with me! I have spent many weeks this summer continuing to savor God in the Yard by L.L. Barkat.

I looked back to see the last post I did online. May 16! I have so much to share with you! I have been marinating in the tenderizing juices of God's heart for me this summer. My journal is FULL (I have 2 blank pages left) of writing from my journey through this life altering book. Part of the reason I haven't blogged it in "real time" is because I have needed to let many of the lessons penetrate old mindsets and perspectives.

I am not overstating this. It seems extreme to call something that isn't the Word of God "life altering" but for avid readers, even a few carefully placed words in a novel can change your mindset.

This book has done more than that. It has shifted my perspective on spiritual practices, drawn me in when I'd rather retreat and brought me deeper into the heart of God for me and His heart for my beloved ones.

I will spend the next several days, maybe even a week or two getting caught up posting my journal entries. I invite you to join me as I complete this incredible journey.

Week 7 Section 3 "To me, dormancy is about ... REST" (I took this quite seriously)
Retreat - not away from God, but into Him. Like jumping voluntarily into the eye of a hurricane.

The swirling of expectations, disciplines, redundancies of the day-to-day whip around in a cyclone threatening to pull me up and spin me into a frantic life.

When I can make the leap from the frenzy into the still place in the center, I look upward and experience release and rest.

In several seasons of my life I have felt God was "absent" but that doesn't make it Truth. I firmly believe that feeling He is "absent" builds my faith and exposes my wounds and questions. Like a poultice designed to draw poison out of a wound, His "absence" draws out pain, disappointments, loss, and discomforts that might have otherwise gone ignored in the hurricane of life.

When I take these opportunities of "absence" to stand arms uplifted, reaching for Him, in the eye of this hurricane of life, releasing the toxins that can steal my joy, wreck my faith and leave me feeling disillusioned, my heart and mind return to REST on the Rock knowing His Word is Truth and I am firmly planted on it, by choice, forever.

Hebrews 13:5

"⁵ Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.^"

Deuteronomy 31:8

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

Happy Birthday Grandpa!

2011-08-11T08:15:00.000-07:00

Today is my Grandpa's 92nd birthday. He won't read this, well, if Dad or Mom prints it out, maybe he will.

I just wanted to take a minute or two to tell you about him. Not all the vast details of his life, the orphanage, the service in the Army, Navy, or US Postal Service. The homemade dandelion wine, the funny jokes, playing double solitaire, and the debates and discussions over spiritual matters sitting at the dining table. Him teaching my sister and I to roller skate, shooting off fireworks on the 4th of July, hours of preparation and Bible studies he's taught, toys he's bought us and toys all his kids and grand kids have bought for him. I could keep going but instead,

I want to tell you what I know about him:

He is deeply passionate about God and his family.
He worked hard to take care of them.
He prays daily for all of us, he has for decades.

His presence has been taken for granted,
Ignored, and even resented at times.
He loves anyway, all the time.

He can be funny, grumpy, silly, careful, adventurous, and challenging.
Grandma knows, just ask her!

He kisses Grandma when he buckles her seatbelt for her.
He holds my hand when we take a walk.

He is on his way to Heaven.
Only God knows the day and the hour.
Until then, I am going to appreciate the blessing of his presence here, as much as I can.
I am proud to call Ernie Klue my Grandpa.


Grandpa Klue (Papa Ernie to the great grand kids) and his youngest great grandson Olin.

Camping with teenagers, Oatmeal crust among friends, and Water obsessions

2011-08-05T00:31:00.000-07:00

I have two weeks of "Fess Ups" since I wasn't able to blog so hopefully this won't be too long to bore you!

We, my fellas and I to be specific spent last week at Youth Camp. We were up in the woods, in a camper, with just over 100 pre-teen to post-teen-agers. What a precious time!

My first "fess up" - I adore this age group of kids. I find them beautiful, silly, ambitious, energetic and full of crazy curve ball type behavior! Funny how that description is a very specific description of my own kids too, even 10 years younger than most of the Youth. Guess I adore my kids too, but you knew that...

My youngest snagged the megaphone more than once. This kind fella was showing him how to use it.

It was super cool when he figured out how to use the alarm button INSIDE the dining hall!

These are the precious people that took care of my fellas and 5 others while we cooked for the Youth. They did not look this chipper after spending a week with my guys. I should have snagged an "after" picture. The look on her face, I have seen in the mirror a million times!

Shootin' hoops like the big boys!

This week enhanced my youngest sons passionate fixation with water. He and the other "littles" did their best to turn the sandbox into beach front property.

My feet were this dirty too, I just thought it was more fun to take a pic of my friends filthy feet. We were both camping with our littles. Note the gun in the pic too.

This time two years ago this bike was SO big for my middle fella! Sigh. How time flies.

Seriously, the kid MUST make water happen. Why not reload a squirt gun with the straw on your water bottle? You have all day anyway!

At one point my youngest cracked in half. Over done, over tired, over stimulated and all Mommy had to do was say "Time for a NAP" (silly me!) and the meltdown happened. BUT, along comes this kind fella to distract him with the "removal" of his thumb.

Mr. Grumpy went from full wail to whiny moaning. God bless that precious big kid for blessing my little kid!

Another of the mommies cooking with me that week took a few minutes to play princess Yahtzee with my guys. No, it is not our game. Yes, each princess was referred to as "The Yellow Girl", "The Pink Girl", "The Blue Girl" etc. Desperate times call for girl games sometimes.

Mr. Water is at it again...

Two three year olds and a water pumper, what could go wrong?!! Actually only "getting wet". And they did take the entire handle off the pump. I am sure it took them less time to take it apart than it took me and the other mommy to put it back together!

Okay, so stealth mission... squirt unsuspecting kids in the pool with high volume water gun. Did I stop them? Nope.

They were already wet anyway & my guys were having a blast!

Yes, she is one of my babysitters! Awesome! :)

One of the best parts of the week was watching other kids and grown ups bless my kids. My biggest thought it was cool to pitch baseballs at the batter's head in this borrowed baseball game. nice.

Mr. Bossy telling one of the kids that his feet don't belong on the furniture. Hilarious for a guy who thinks the couch is a trampoline when I am not looking!

Muffins for breakfast, again!


Yup, two out of my three got a hold of the megaphone. Maybe I should get them each one for Christmas. Yeah. Sure.

So it seemed easier to caption the photos with the antics of the week. I did not get pics of :
- The 900 times my kids said they had to go potty so they didn't have to do whatever the teacher wanted them to.
- the scowls and tongue sticking out that happened when someone dared cross my youngest
- the gallons of Gatorade consumed when no adult was watching over it
- the spectacular crafts and Bible lessons the couple did that blessed the socks of my fellas
- the last night when my eldest requested to worship with the big kids, told me his heart was full after about 5 minutes and could he please go to bed.
And finally,
- the gorgeous little boy rendition of "what can wash away my sins, nothing but the blood of Jesus" that they learned in class.

My Love doesn't travel as much as he used to, but the day we came home from camp and the day he came home from working out of town was best expressed by these pictures. I was a little jealous. After all, he was mine first! :)

Okay, so not REALLY jealous, just super duper extra double grateful for moments like these.

We are getting ready for a short trip. Today we began packing. Here is what we are taking. Can you blame me for actually considering this mode of transportation for my smallest but most vocal fella?

See, he looks pretty happy, doesn't he? Hmmm....

My friend Kira talked about her first trip to the beach this week with her kids, all by herself. I did not have that much courage. I have been so tired training for my big triathlon swim that when my Love reminded me how important it was for me and the kids to get to the beach I cried. Actual tears. Tragic huh? BUT, I knew he was right and so I invited/coerced/begged Nana to join us. She came and we had a nice time. There were a few mishaps, but the kids emphatic and profuse thanks on the way home let me know I made the right decision. Once again, listening to my Love was a really really good idea.

Life vests kept my beginner swimmers afloat and I actually enjoyed watching them enjoy themselves, knowing I could swim out there and grab them if anything went awry.

I asked for goofy faces, I got them, sort of.

He was instructed not to go deeper than his belly button without Mommy. He got pretty close... just like he does everything else.

We need to get Nana a pony. She fed my middle little gummy bears from her hand.


This appears to seem like a mostly good idea. Until the whale tips over and the death grip refuses to release. And I dash out into the water to retrieve my screaming cherub. Oh well. The sweet little lady apologized (it totally wasn't her fault) and she did a fabulous job holding his head while he obviously had NO trouble breathing.

After writing my blog about "Don't Want to Miss a Thing" I didn't see this one coming:

Monday morning

Tuesday morning... he was so happy to get a whole dollar! (I would be too, I think I got quarters!)

Tuesday afternoon (he was brushing his teeth and it went down the drain) Tooth Fairy paid off anyway, he was hoping for $35 for the Star Wars Lego set he wants. He only got a dollar. He wasn't as impressed.

But here we are, reaching another growing up milestone. It really surprised me how unsettled I was. Those sweet baby teeth we worked so hard to get in all those years ago are on their way out. Sigh. Thank you Lord for growing up, memories, and joyful anticipation of all that is yet to come!

I love this picture one of my fellas took of me. It is a great reminder of what this week really looked like for me. Happy AND exhausted. God is good! There were actually several days this week my hair didn't leave the knot formation on the back of my head.

Other Fess Ups-
- I cried in my goggles while swimming in the lake every time this week.
- I have to drive 6hrs with my kids tomorrow then chase them around the park for 5 hours tomorrow and it is 12:24am
- I had a friend beat me to my house today for a meeting and SHE had to scrape the crusty oatmeal from breakfast off the table, floor and bench before she could sit down.
- I have been so tired and so busy that my brain is becoming so full of blogs I am afraid they will all merge together and become one big "Alphabet Soup" type blog that will make sense to only me, the crazy girl who is up past midnight but should have been in bed HOURS ago!

That's all for now! Happy Friday!

Don't Want to Miss a Thing!

2011-07-22T07:42:00.000-07:00

But who could say "no" to this sweet face? Not me. Not about this request anyway.

My greatest confession this week - I built my first Lego ship. I crawled out of bed one morning, poked my head into the big boys room and said "Good Morning". They asked if I would play with them. Then, they asked the dreaded question I have been avoiding for a very long time... "Mommy, do you want to build a space ship with us?"

To be clear, I am not sure if I am confessing that it has taken me this long to pick up some Lego bricks and build something, or confessing that I sat on the floor for 20 minutes trying to make something that looks like something. Just so we're clear...

For years I have said I am not genetically conditioned to build Lego things. The 20 minutes it took to build this small vessel proved it. I used parts of the "Cars" Lego set AND "Star Wars" Lego sets. Can ya tell?

I also figured I'd post the pic my son took of me and my ship as well, I mean really, why not?

Stunning, I know. You didn't actually think I'd post my WHOLE "wake-up" face on the internet did you? Nope. I'm all about being "real" but wrinkly eyebrow hair and bed head, those glorious gifts are saved for the closest people who promise to love me forever.

Both fellas were pretty proud of me. Honestly, I was too.

Isn't rather odd that I wouldn't post a picture of my morning face online BUT I'd post this picture?

It made me laugh so hard! When I first saw it, my kids came RUNNING to the computer to see what mommy was laughing at... it took them all of two seconds to break into gut-bustin' laughter themselves. "Mommy! You look funny!"

I participated in my second triathlon last weekend. My first was in September of last year. It was a major adventure. The funniest thing that came out of this one, other than me singing on my bike to take my mind off the burning muscles in my legs, was the boys asking me when we were on our way home,

"When I do a triathlon, can the day be all about me?"

Apparently Nana shared with them that the day was not about them, but about Daddy and Mommy, so they needed to celebrate us and not be so focused on themselves. We said, "yes, when you do a triathlon, the day can be all about you." My Love and I exchanged grins both thinking the same thing, "uh, every day is about you fellas. Every day." But, they are too small to get that. Someday, when they have kids their own... they'll get it. And they won't mind much either.

Here is a pic of me heading out for my 12 mile bike ride. My legs are numb and I have no idea I have massive cleavage hanging out, I am just focused on loving the sunshiney day!

Again, I have numb legs (that is what happens when you keep asking your muscles to do different stuff really fast) but I am clueless to anything but busting (hee hee) out a good solid run on a beautiful day. My favorite thought on the run, its easy now, one foot in front of the other!! Note the big silly grin. Crazy girl!

Ultimate coolness is the goal here... is it the Lego Star Wars hat or the awesome shades? He makes me think of Ponch, or is it Jon? (From CHiPs)

How about the slick lenses on this baby! Mr. Cool for sure! or is that The Terminator? "I'll be back." And his most frequent saying, "MomcanIholdyourkeysIpromiseIwon'tpushanybuttons." Yes, he says it just like that. My answer, "NO."

I had this thought once this week. "I am glad that's not my kid". Yes, I don't do it often, but I did it this week. Now, before you get annoyed for my judgmental self let me tell you what happened. A small rant - over something - small?
This little guy, whose identity has been self protected, was the tiniest little guy on the opposing team. I considered him adorable until he threw a spectacular fit when tagged out at first base. At which point I yelled (this part I am not proud of, well, maybe I wouldn't go that far)

"There's no crying in baseball!"

(remember Tom Hanks in the baseball movie with Madonna in it from the 90s?) Some of the other parents laughed, but then I was mortified when the coach allowed the temper tantrum crier, to COME BACK to first base and run the bases. I know, I am a hag for being so insensitive. But really, WHEN do you learn that getting tagged out means you are out? Just curious. It reminded me of the people who get to a four way stop before me and wave me on to be polite as if I have no idea what the ACTUAL rules of the road are.

My favorite things this week have been about doing things I like to do with my boys since I am in "rest" mode after my triathlon. I built the above ship, played "Go Fish", and snuggled while watching cartoons. I wish I'd done even more with them. I really like them. Oh, and we did play Mario Kart too...

I continue to be fascinated by their growing up. Stunned almost at their growth, as if I haven't seen them almost every single day of their lives. I look back at some of these pictures and think "Where was I?" Of course, I was behind the camera, but WOW, time really does fly.

Pay attention, pay attention, pay attention... my new mantra... don't miss any of it. Even if it means building a lame looking Lego ship, sacrificing some dignity to push myself physically, or taking millions of pictures to blog precious memories so, when I am old, (40) I won't forget where we've come from.

Pudding for Breakfast, Mr. Incredible, and Belly Laughing... Still!

2011-07-15T16:50:00.000-07:00

This seemed like a fitting beginning to my "Fess Ups"! Watch Out! I promise this will not be my most articulate, intelligent, brilliant.... but it will be amusing!

- I took the above characters as is to pick up my race packet on Thursday afternoon for my first triathlon of the season. They behaved as dressed in the bike shop, awesome. BUT, upon entering Target, they were angels. Weird.

- I fed my kids pudding for breakfast this week. Yes, I chose the path of least resistance. I couldn't help myself.

- We watched the Power Rangers movie for the first time. I am not sure if I regret it or not yet. I wasn't paying all the way attention. Some of the ninja moves I saw my guys performing were quite impressive and I was grateful they weren't making the fake "swooshing" sounds with their arm movements.

- My youngest has been practicing his adorableness lately. Here are a few pics that struck my fancy from his Mr. Incredible day yesterday


He was sucking milk up his straw then popping his mouth off so it splashed everywhere. He did this several times before I caught him. :)

I love that he still makes a mess... it reminds me that he is still only 3. I love that he is 3. Next week, a montage of one of my other fellas...

- My race day jitters ---- I have spent the early part of the week doing bricks (2 workouts back to back), freaking out like an emotional train wreck that I am not ready, and now that the race is tomorrow, my brain is muddy with processing the event and taking care of household details and making sure everything I need is packed and and and... here are some photos my mother-in-law took when we went swimming the first time in our wetsuits this week... Don't tell me, I know, I look gorgeous. Spectacular even...

Okay, so maybe not. When I was belly laughing at the computer the kids rushed over to see what was so funny. They took one look at this picture and started belly laughing themselves... Seriously, I am STILL laughing!

God bless your week! Catch up with ya next week when hopefully my muddy brain will have righted itself and I will be a 2 time triathlete. :)

Warriors, Bike Stunts and Fashion Issues

2011-07-08T12:09:00.000-07:00

This weeks "Fess Up" is heavy on photos. I just couldn't resist, between the holiday, the beginning of baseball season, and the characters I do life with, they are just better than words, well, maybe sometimes. I LOVE words! And Pictures! And little Boys!

My first "Fess Up" - I read through this blog, saw a couple of typos, grammar and punctuation errors and elected not to take the time to change them. You will forgive me I am sure. My fellas, they are hungry and sick of looking at the back of my head.

We payed to be recreational visitors to our own city this week. I hatched a plan. My Love agreed. We would pack up our camper, squeeze in to a full RV Park with people from all over the place to watch the fireworks and recreate on the 3rd and 4th of July. It was a great place. The first discovery was the small patch of grass with a couple of hills. Note the man using the weed-whacker within feet of my sons. Yes, I thought about them getting hit by a stray rock, but what are the chances? And no, this time, it didn't happen. They had a blast!

After rolling down the grassy hills a few times we got out the bikes - we all rode bikes. Note, I am not photographed on my bike. If you really want to see that, you'll have to wait a few weeks and read my other blog after July 17th (hopefully there will be some triathlon pictures taken that I can post).

I would like to add that I am now used to his adorable face with glasses. His charm is even more evident, but then, I am just the Mom.

Working on a new skill, riding one handed. He practiced over and over and, as far as I know, never had a mishap.

My smallest is mastering the training wheels, wonder how long before he's tired of the extra help? Oh, they do grow up fast!

Even my Love enjoyed rolling around with the boys on his recreational bike.

We did have a few amusing cycling incidents - we swap boys with friends every other week - so they have our 3 and their 3 one week and then we have their 3 and our 3. So we each get a 4 hour date every other Sunday. It works great. We had the boys join us and we all rode up to one of the local parks. We had to cross train tracks. You know the kind that are embedded in the road with deep grooves? Yeah, well with my excess skill and knack for the ridiculous, I managed to squarely plant my tire in one of the grooves, almost upending myself. Awesome. Yes, there were observers, no one I knew. But they were laughing. So was I - seriously what are the odds?!! Also, on that same ride, as we are approaching oncoming riders my middle fella shouts out "Hey Mom! I am riding with my eyes closed!!" To which I replied, "Great job buddy, now OPEN them so you don't crash yourself or someone else!" The oncoming elderly cyclists were relieved I am sure, that he obeyed me just this once!

This next series of photos is Popsicle vs. Three year old. Popsicle loses, but you knew that...

Time to read the joke!

I wasn't crushed when he took his sticky, drippy stick to Nana to read it. She tried to read it without touching it.


But, eventually, she had to turn it right side up and hold it. God bless Nana!

Battle has become our lifestyle. Sounds tragic I know, with visions of Braveheart dancing in your head, but it's not that graphic yet. Mostly. The battle rules are No Shooting People (especially helpless Senior Citizens hiding out in their RVs), No "Forcing" (think Star Wars) People, and No Shooting Each Other (unless Mom or Dad isn't looking). Here are my warriors...

Nana seemed to think they were light wands. NOPE. Any self respecting Star Wars fan knows that despite the star on the end, they are LIGHT SABERS!! I did find actual glow in the dark guns for Church Family Camp this weekend - yep. I know. But I didn't buy the pitch forks - that seemed like too much!

We had our first baseball games of the season this last week. I must "Fess" that I was not entirely excited to figure out how to observe my two younger while my oldest was playing and still pay attention to the game. Baseball is my favorite sport and I really, really, really want my sons to love it too. Turns out the youngers didn't have too much trouble entertaining themselves.

I am such a great mom, I forgot to have him get his BASEBALL hat! He improvised though.

He's the one with the glove over his face.

This little girl hung around the whole time, talking, singing and entertaining my middle guy. It was hard not to wish I had a large fly swatter to shoo her away from my handsome prince. Nothing against her sweet self, I just wasn't prepared for the boy/girl focus thing to happen already.

My youngest always finds entertainment as you can see. He even unplugged the pitching machine. Yep, that's my kid!

Coach was sporting a nasty shiner. Made me wonder if one of the kids caught him with a bat or if he got in a bar fight. I prefer to think of him as taking one for the team. He's really great with the kids.

They insisted I take their picture together. Sigh.

Who actually needs words for that face? Also, I did insist he turn his shirt around that morning. I was just too prideful for him to walk around with a polo shirt on backwards all day. Sometimes I cave to my ego.

Oh my I have such silly guys. Their fashion sense makes me embarrassed and laugh and depending on the day I make them change their ways. I try to leave well enough alone.

Half way through the game he decided to tuck in his shirt and hike his shorts up high. Apparently pulling the shorts up over your leading leg helps you take off from the base faster. He does it every time. At least he's only grabbing the leg of his shorts... you know what I mean.

Sometimes their antics defy any frame of reference I have. It doesn't happen often since I am quite creative. This one, it blew our minds.

My Love was packing the camper last night. He looked EVERYWHERE for their bike helmets. We wracked our brains on where they could be. I finally, at 9:30pm resorted to contacting the babysitter we had that morning to find out what might have happened to them. She suggested we check the garage refrigerator, they were playing "Hide the Helmet" and the fridge was the BEST place. Sure enough he found them:

One in the fridge drawer, one in the freezer by the Otter Pops. Wow.

I conclude this epistle even Paul would have cringed at with this:


Dear Mom, I am glad that you are my mom. A love note from my oldest!		Note my freshly done nails ;)

There it is friends. The reminder of why I do what I do. The tender scrawled words of a seven year old son who doesn't like writing or reading, lovingly writing a note to his Mommy. I am so grateful

I have failed miserably this week, many times. Don't get the impression that this is the entire play by play of my week. I have yelled. I have cried. I have pleaded. I have held faces in my hands and asked for forgiveness. I have eaten crappy. I have eaten well. I have skipped workouts and completed them.

All in all, it's this "Fess Up Friday blog that keeps me grounded in the reality of what matters, what doesn't and to keep laughing... as much as humanly possible. Even if you just can't bring yourself to let your son wear his shirt backwards. EXCEPT, I remember now, the other son, he wore his shirt backwards all day and I didn't notice til 6:30 that night! But, it had Batman graphics all over it, so it looked mostly the same... that's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Playing Hookie, Freedom to Fly and Blanket Wrestling

2011-07-01T08:00:00.000-07:00

My Fess Ups are assorted, so much so I have no idea how to title this until I get them all out!

I spent most of this week sick. For a few days I went to the Kroc (Community Center with best child care and gym ever for a mom like me) to take advantage of the child care even though I was skipping my workout.

I love "So You Think You Can Dance". I love to watch what they come up with every week, cheer on my favorites and yet... I NEVER VOTE!! Can you believe it?! A true SYTYCD fan would VOTE. Embarrassing, I know.

I told the man who's been my Doc for the last 18 years that sometimes I wish I could go back in time and shake the girl who was desperate to have children 10 years ago. What was she thinking?!! He laughed. Hard. He then told me to appreciate this time, because sometimes you really do miss it when they get older. I believe him. Before he even said that to me, I took this picture:

Darth Vader held in a head lock by Mace Windu's feet and a Clone trooper standing by. I left them there for 3 days, making myself remember with each glance how precious this time is. Star Wars figures and all.

As a part of my recovery plan - laying on the couch for as long as possible without interruption - I suggested my eldest use as many of his Star Wars Legos as he can to build his own fleet. This is what he did:

THAT is irresistible! I was so proud I can't even begin to tell you! He worked for HOURS on them. He has an intense dislike for things he HAS to do, but give him time and space for the creative process and He shines! Just like his Mama! ;)

While my eldest was building his armada, my youngest was blanket wrestling. Is it just me or is that super cute??? Is it annoying that I am even asking??

While my youngest was wrangling his fuzzy foe, my middle fella, was hanging with his Nana. I don't have a picture, but let me share with you... he was busy throwing a bouncy ball at a moving target - Nana's neighbor's cat. The first pitch missed, the second, hit it's mark. We are not a cat loving family. I was terribly proud, even though I reminded him it wasn't okay to throw anything at an animal. The crooked sheepish smile said it all, "yeah, I know it was wrong mom, but it was pretty cool." We didn't agree to it out loud, but we were on the same page. So sorry to you cat lovers out there. BTW, it is not a habit for him. He's just started baseball and hitting a target of any kind is fun for him. Until he gets yelled at by the neighbor.

I need to learn more from my kids. The freedom they enjoy to greet strangers with a cheery "hello", a big grin and a shout "I love you!", and my most recent favorite from my spicy mouthed three year old "I'll miss you" to the random friendly stranger who greeted him when we were finished at the checkout.

Flying through the air on purpose, chattering with random strangers, and generally being a delight to all around them make them spectacular examples of celebrating life every day. I need to follow THEIR example.

Oh, and just in case you think my spicy mouthed three year old is always a delight... he got busted at the Kroc today for smack talking the teachers with his equivalent of "You're not the boss of ME!!"

Yup. There ya have it... more next week, without a doubt!

Me vs. My Bike

2011-06-26T22:35:00.001-07:00

The bike is my hardest part of the triathlon.

I am afraid of it.

Well, not the bike itself, I like to look at it. It is the first size small anything I have owned in AGES. It is white and a really cool metallic green. :)

I am afraid of FALLING OFF, getting hit by a car, and crashing in general.

I knew it was bad, but this week, when I was in my spin class, there was a car passing on the VIDEO of the road we were "riding" on and I got stressed.

I KNOW!!! Crazy!!

So, I am going to have to let go of this ridiculous fear! I just have no idea how!

Fessin' up to a new favorite, soggy campers, and keeping perspective

2011-06-24T09:07:00.000-07:00

My "'Fess-Up" begins this week with one of my favorite new treats. I know, I know, I am training for 3 triathlons and I am still only 20lbs lighter than I was this time last year and I have a new "treat". These things are so good - it's crazy! As a matter of fact, I have even been considering coating them in chocolate... but not today... By the way, I do account for the calories. I am not willing to sacrifice all my hard work for a gorge on these, even if it is tempting!

We had a fairly big event this week and it has caused me to shed a tear or two. My middle "little" has to get glasses. Since birth he has had this charisma and confidence that draws people to him. He has a charming personality and a grin that can make any bad day vanish like fog in the sunshine. His personality is so much like mine that instead of clashing, we mesh like peanut butter and chocolate (mmmm.... still thinking about those pretzels...) Anyway, I was pretty sure he was having trouble seeing far away because he has always sat too close to the tv when watching cartoons or playing video games, but he never seemed to have any trouble in school. We finally had his eyes checked, he's near-sighted, like me and his Dad. I didn't get glasses til I was 22 and realized I couldn't pitch a softball over the plate anymore because I couldn't see it. My Love, however, has had glasses since he was a small guy. He was pretty upset about him having to get glasses too after all the torture he endured as a kid with glasses.

Here is the sweet before picture:

This is the adorable after picture... sigh. He looks different, his eyes still sparkle, his smile still glows, but deep in my heart I am afraid for him. I don't want ANYONE to pick on him and dim the light inside making him question how amazing he has been designed to be. True confession here: His brother has already said, "I like you better without glasses." And I had to restrain myself from throttling his jealous little neck (we still struggle with both boys wanting the same exact thing all the time)! But, I did passionately remind all my sons we are to speak life and blessing to each other, celebrating the way God made each of us, different and wonderful!

Now on to lighter things... Camping in the rain... the kids were soaked, every day. I shoved aside the inner panic of everyone "catching their death" of cold from being wet and just let them be little boys in the rain. After all, if you want to camp in North Idaho, you have to accept that if you get a completely sunny perfect weekend, it is a fluke. Or the month of August. Or the weekend you stay home to do yard work. Here are some of the happy faces doing what they love to do while camping...

And finally, apparently I am a little obsessed with getting a perfect Father's Day photo... this was photo #5 and below, photo #7. That was when I gave up. The t-shirts say, "I dig my Dad", which was also not possible to capture in the picture...

Also, I could tell my Love was about ready to steal my camera and hide it under a stump! Oh well. I am again reminded I do not want automatons that smile on cue, even if it would be convenient occasionally.

2011-06-17T08:37:00.000-07:00

Oh boy! I have two weeks of "Fess Ups" to make so as a woman who has ridden "Thunder Mountain" at Disneyland TOO many times in my lifetime:

"Hang on to your hats and glasses, 'cause this here's the wildest ride in the wilderness!"

I can't even begin to tell you how many times I have wanted to put that in print instead of keeping it my head!! And by the way, it has been AT LEAST 15 years since I have even been in the vicinity of Disneyland and I might be overstating the excitement you will find in this blog a bit, maybe...

My oldest has started wiping off kisses, extracting himself from my hugs, and working for hours on lego Star Wars battleships. I think he's growing up. I am not gonna lie... I am looking forward to what's next but I miss my little guy.

On his 7th birthday, my young Jedi salutes me.

I always meant to send this in to Pace for their marketing campaign!

I have tried to cook healthier now that I am doing a biggest loser challenge on Spark People. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. This didn't work...

My Love mocked my efforts and I swore to him it would taste better than it looked. It didn't.

If you have been following my "fess ups" you know about my most hated messy place I have been trying to conquer for months... Here is the most recent evolution. It took two weeks to go from beginning photo to the end.

We have a super small living room and this did not help increase its size, but I hope it will help increase my organization. I will keep you posted!

Every year my Love and his buds go to what I lovingly refer to "Man Camp".They are busy with their families all year long and then, for one weekend a year (and occasional "safety meetings") they spend two and a half days just being together. I took a picture this year of some of the groceries and packing style. My husband is terribly prompt. I am not. Some of his friends aren't either. He didn't care. The kids and I did have to stop running in and out of the house kissing him goodbye though... we were rather annoying. ;)

I took a poll on my Facebook status last week. I asked if I should spend my blow money on fake nails or on a cleaning lady. This is what I picked despite 47 responses encouraging a cleaning lady. Maybe someday when I get a bigger house, I will think a cleaning lady is a good idea. For now, my nails look like this:


I did get all ten nails done, this was just the picture that came out the best!

and I like them!

I finally caved to the sad begging of my sons to allow them to run through the sprinkler this "summer". I think it was about 65 degrees and windy. They are obviously miserable!

Finally, every year I think I can wrap my brain and brown thumbs around the idea of a garden. Some years I grow a tomato plant on the back porch. This year, my "garden" consists of three flower pots. Here's to hoping I remember to water them and that they grow!

Hopefully I won't have to confess in a few weeks that I put too many fertilizer sticks in, watered too much and drowned them or forgot to water them entirely. See now why I can't have pets!

We are due to go camping in a few hours. I am still in my pajamas, my kids need breakfast, and I am not packed yet. I am almost ready to go!

Happy Friday All!

Need to Cry Today?

2011-06-16T14:23:00.000-07:00

I do.

I started (crying inside) by yelling at my kids because we were running behind schedule this morning for eye appointments in Spokane, eating 3 Krispy Kreme donuts, coming home to eat a big bowl of healthy turkey and black bean chili, AND 5 chicken nuggets with ketchup.

Then on Toy Story 2 which is playing in the background, they started the song about when the cowgirl toy had an owner, and I got tears in my eyes.

That's how I knew I needed to cry. Actually shed tears releasing the heartache I am feeling today.

I sure would have liked to have gotten it out of my system BEFORE I ate all those calories...

I have several things floating around in my spirit today:
- today is my good friend's birthday. He released his wife to Heaven almost 3 weeks ago. I can't imagine he feels much like celebrating. My heart aches with empathy for his agony. I am passionately asking God for an amazing gift for him today. Something super personal, ministering to his aching heart and something only the God of Creation could give.
- overall grieving today - nothing like fresh grief to stir up old grief too - I miss my friend Roni (sometimes when I close my eyes I see her face and long to ask her the questions I didn't have time to ask). I miss my uncle. I loved him so much and he and I were tight because he was only 13 when I was born. He made me laugh. He had the best laugh, no one else laughed like him - except his boys... they each have their own unique version of his Uncle Mark chuckle. I miss my baby. Two dear friends are having baby girls - one has birthed, the other one will. I love where I am in my life, but sometimes I wish I could hold her and see her smile. Jake Chissie and Mat Rocheleau were two of the young men God put on my prayer radar years ago. They both live in Heaven now and I miss them and the impact they had on their family and friends. My grandparents who are still here are super close to Heaven, they are seeing things, moving less, struggling more and I know it isn't long before they join my other grandparents. Many of my friends are missing their fathers and grandfathers this Father's Day.
- Feeling like my body will never change. Ever. (especially if I deal with my emotions by eating)

Here is what I am doing with this - releasing it to the Lord. He knows my heart. He says so in Psalm 139.

I need Him to be God today. He is. I need Him to be Big today. He is. I need to feel small today. I do. I need to know that He is capable of holding grieving hearts, discouraged hearts, sad hearts, and is never offended or overwhelmed.

So I cry. Freely. Wishing things were different, knowing He's in charge, and trusting Him with whatever is next.

If you need to cry. Go ahead.

I know He will hold you and comfort you. Just like He says He will in Matthew 5:4 "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."

Fake Nails vs Cleaning Lady

2011-06-08T13:54:00.000-07:00

I recently posted this on my Facebook Status:

is wondering... need an opinion from ya'll... fake nails or cleaning lady (2x/mo)... I only have so much "blow money" in my Dave Ramsay envelope, and this girl needs a little somethin' for me...

It turns out MANY of my friends had opinions on this matter. Actually all but one had ONE opinion - HOUSE CLEANING! The only one who didn't automatically put "housecleaning" on her vote agreed it was not an easy decision to make.

Here is the argument for each...

I will address the "nails" first - for as long as I can remember (even when I was taking awesome vitamins and pregnant) my nails have been flimsy and peel. I paint them with amazing or cheap polish with all the coats (it takes about an hour - then let them sit for an hour) and they chip within the same day.

I wrote about my nails a few weeks ago explaining how I have felt about them and how much I enjoy them. When I have them done, it is a treat for me. My nails are healthy and strong beneath their coating and they never chip, bend or break. When I see them I feel "put together". Even in my gym clothes and ponytail, I look "girlie".

Now for the house cleaner thing:

My house is 1600 sq ft. But we primarily live in the upstairs so I would only need someone to clean about 800 sq ft. Which would take an uninterrupted fast cleaning lady about 1 1/2 hrs at the most. IF I am uninterrupted, it takes me about 2 1/2 hrs to do the whole house every week - but how many times has that happened?

MAYBE ONCE!

When I am trying to do my weekly cleaning, it takes me ALL week with the zillion and a half interruptions. Or it takes me 4 -5 hours of one day and I have to act like "psycho-mommy" to keep the kids from messing up the room I just left, while I move on to cleaning the next one.

I am NOT a neat freak, I battle clutter and don't have to have a clean house to have company. Cleaning for me has always been a fluid thing, when necessary but never compulsive or certainly not worth losing my temper over. That is one of the reasons I hate "psycho mommy". I want to get the task done, but I truly care more about the relationships in my life more than the dirt on my floor. I consistently seek balance (my Love is much more "orderly" than I) between relationships and tasks and I am improving for sure...

So, I am in search of a solution. Hopefully one that will allow me to have nice nails and a clean house without negative impact on my family. :)

Fun with Turkey and Fly Spankings

2011-06-03T16:51:00.000-07:00

Since I spent the better part of the last week immobilized with grief from the loss of a friend, I must admit finding my "fess-ups" has been like hunting flowers in the weeds.

Here are just a few "daisies" in a weed covered week:

Making my lunch, which always is a trick since I cannot seem to keep my growing kindergartener full enough to not interrupt my progress with his "can I have some more..." and "can I have something ELSE?" was interrupted by shouts of "MOM!! LOOK!!" so loud I was jolted from my low blood sugar state to give full attention to these adorable faces...

Turkey Glasses and a Turkey Nose. I could care less about "don't play with your food" theories. I love it when my kids are creative like this, especially when I need a good belly laugh!

I forgot to frisk my kids for toys at the dinner table last night. I am glad I forgot. Where else can I write:

Milk - It does a Jedi good.

Remember how proud I was of myself for getting my corner organized and keeping it clean? Well, here is what it looks like right now, and yes, I had to move an empty wine bottle out of the picture - too embarrassing and yet exposing at the same time... so I'll just tell ya about it instead!

I really have been wondering if I am speaking aloud or if the voices in my head are taking over. I make a simple request and no one moves...

I chucked a banana that was rudely smacked on my keyboard across the room. I demanded my son respect me and then realized how ridiculous I sounded. Will I ever grow out of behaving like them? I am an "older mom" for that matter!

My second son is obsessed with perfecting armpit farts and I am not sure if I should stop him or not. Every one needs a skill right?

I posted this on my facebook profile this week:

tales from the Kitchen Table... "Mom, where's the fly-spanker? We need to spank this fly out of the kitchen!"

I close this week with a question - Is there any solution to the little boy instinct to "if there is resistance, push against it"?

I will remember to look for the "daisies" the rest of this weekend. Saying goodbye to a friend who has landed blissfully in Heaven puts me in the place to appreciate all the days I have, the crazy moments and every opportunity to "fess-up" to the antics of my family. What a gift!

Contending with the Sovereignty of God in the Valley of the Shadow of Death

2011-06-02T16:06:00.001-07:00

He is good. I know it. His sovereignty is unquestionable. I believe it.

The depth of my pain is shocking. I have again, entered the Valley of the Shadow of Death. The death of my friend Roni has shaken me to the core.

I KNEW He would heal her.

He did. Just not HERE.

I hear His voice as a part of my daily interaction with Him. I engage with Him over big and small issues; things that would seem petty to many but I KNOW He cares about what matters to me.

She mattered to me, a lot and her precious family too. Her treasured husband, stood so strong in the face of such agony, steadfast in his conviction that God would heal her too.

And now, she is wrapped in the arms of Jesus and I am wondering why I KNEW He was going to heal her. What was He accomplishing in me with that rock solid conviction she would be healed HERE when He already knew she would return to Him?

I am learning to be more comfortable with questions that don’t have answers for this side of Heaven. His infinite picture far surpasses anything I can even begin to see.

In the Valley of the Shadow of Death, He remains sovereign. He already knows what is best. I can change His mind, but do I want to? If my perspective is finite and His is infinite, how can I begin to question Him?

When I contend (as the dictionary says: To strive in opposition, To strive against (others) for victory, To put forth reasons for or against something, often excitedly, To engage in a quarrel, To put into words positively and with conviction) with Him about His plan, I KNOW He hears my heart, the pain in it, and my submission to His will.

I think the key to being in the Valley of the Shadow of Death is to WALK through it like Psalm 23:4 in the Amplified says - Yes, though I walk through the [deep, sunless] valley of the shadow of death, I will fear or dread no evil, for You are with me; Your rod [to protect] and Your staff [to guide], they comfort me. – Not to set up camp there, dwell there, or wish I wasn’t there. For as long as it lasts, I am walking here, again, in the Valley of the Shadow of Death, anticipating His protection and His guidance, just like His Word says knowing good can be found in this place and in the places that come after, because He is good.

Backwards Pants and Fancy Toes

2011-05-26T15:01:00.000-07:00

So it's been another busy week around here. So I am posting EARLY - so I can do at least 1 thing ahead of schedule!!

- My youngest son put his pants on backwards first thing Monday morning. I suggested he take them off and turn them around... he declined. He told me he wanted them that way. I chose to find it amusing instead of embarrassing... even though we had to go several places including church that night.

- My two sons who are 14 months apart have had almost all their toys removed as a result of their unwillingness to pick them up. And yet, somehow their room continues to look like this:

The Star Wars saga continues as we have discovered the new cartoon "Clone Wars". I rented the movie. They love it. This is John's version of "Asoka Tana" the Jedi patawan (apprentice) to Annakin Skywalker... Yes, I know the lingo... unbelievable! (that's the "Fess-Up" part!) But he sure is cute! :)

- I realized the other day that there is no way for me to stop giving perpetual instructions about washing hands... this was a hand discovered AFTER the park and AFTER he at his lunch... but it builds his immune system right?

- After years of being too tomboy and too judgemental of women who choose to spend their money on such extravagant things as fake nails and "twinkle toes"... I caved. I love them. I understand the girls who have them and they are worth every penny. I feel like a woman and in a house full of men, that is becoming VERY important to me!

And there ya have it. My confessions for the week. Now off to pack, clean and pick up kids in 30 min? Nothing like waiting til the last minute! :)

Joy

2011-05-22T21:37:00.000-07:00

Four years ago this past January I had a miscarriage.

I cried from deep places I didn't know I had. I have pages of journal entries of processing enormous grief that welled up within me.

The day I found out the baby died, I had to retrieve my kids from a dear friend's home. She and I were new friends at the time, but her heart broke with mine at the news. Little did we both know that by the end of the year, I would be comforting her as well. That night, that first night, I told God that if He was going to make me walk through such horrible pain, I wanted to know who I lost. I wanted a face. I wanted a gender. I wanted a name.

The next morning, before I even woke up I had a vision. A small newborn, swaddled in a pure pink fuzzy blanket with large white robed arms wrapped around her. I could see her little eyes, tiny nose and rounded pink lips as if I was holding her myself. I knew she was in Good hands. I cried some more and woke up to go about my day, tending to my two little boys.

The weeks, months, and years since then I think of her, thank God for her and ask Him to kiss her goodnight for me from time to time. He has done much healing in me and in His amazing grace, He planted sweet Peter in my arms before the one year anniversary of her death. What an amazing gift he is!

But here's the thing... the last few weeks my sons have been talking about her - a lot. My middle son, James who was only 18 months at the time made up a song after asking me why he couldn't see her for the umpteenth time in a few days.

Joy, Joy, please come down. Please come down to me...
Joy, Joy, please come down, please come down to me.

He sings it almost every day at least once. He has taught the other kids to sing it too. Even the kids that came and stayed with us for a few days.

It doesn't creep me out, it doesn't really bother me, but I do wonder what this longing is in him for her. Is it that the other kids he knows have sisters? Is it the place in him, like all of us, that is designed to have a longing for Heaven? Is it a sense of emptiness that she should be at our table? I really don't know.

Tonight, tired from being up late, he broke down crying, "Mom, I want to see Joy." John agreed that he did too. So, I prayed. I asked our God, the author of all life to give them a dream about their sister. That He would show her to them. She is beautiful, happy, loves her life and she is looking forward to us all being together one day - forever.

The only ache in me over this, is my dear friend will give birth to a beautiful baby girl tomorrow. And I long for mine. Maybe God is using this time to allow me to grieve on a level I didn't know I needed to. I am not sure. I will celebrate little Abigail with all my heart, because I will love her too, as if she was mine. And my dear friend will understand.

My Special Bottle and BFF

2011-05-21T13:49:00.000-07:00

So, I missed the official "Fess - Up" because I missed Friday on my computer almost entirely! I am starting to think I need to keep this post every week in draft form, keep adding to it every day and THEN post it on Friday. I am not sure I am entirely organized enough to do it... but I might try it at least once.

So, here it is...

- I have cut out white flour and sugar and kept with it. When I weighed on Friday morning I lost 4lbs. I celebrated with actually eating pizza with my family that night... at least it was the thin crust veggie pizza.

- I spent half of this week wishing I could run away from home.

- I spent the other half wishing I didn't have to go somewhere.

- I discovered the little boy definition of BFF this week "Big Fat Fart". I am a little embarrassed to say that I laughed pretty hard the first time they told me and I laugh a little inside every time I think about it... which seems a little more often than what "normal" should be. Maybe.

- My version of "Going Green" - 2 green water bottles.

- I finally threw away my beloved orange water bottle I had for 2 years. It was my constant companion at the gym EVERY day while I trained for my triathlon. When the kids were good at the play care, they wanted to give me their sticker reward... note that I have 3 kids in the play care and I trained 4 days a week for 2 months and 3 days a week for 2 months... if you count the stickers you will see that my kids are so comfortable there... it's like home to them if you know what I mean...
(To be fair, some stickers fell off and some are on the lid, and all the kids weren't with me ALL the time)

- I actually organized my kitchen counters this week - and - other than a few dirty dishes, it has STAYED that way!!! Yeah, I am usually good at the 'one hit wonder' then tank after all the applause... just sayin'
- It used to look like this:

Now it looks like this:

-- the files are there, there is stuff in them, not all of them are labeled, the stuff is probably not all critical... and I LOVE my bug even though he takes up space on my counter and his battery is dead.

- I love when my kids are themselves and remind me to be myself - even at the expense or comfort of others who expect them to be tiny automatons who follow the rules perfectly and never make a mess... God spoke to me of messes this week and Endurance... I will blog on that soon.

I think that's good enough for this week, especially since Friday has come and gone. Next week there will be more but I won't be around to post so I'll catch ya in a couple of weeks! I am sure there will be lots to share!

God in the Yard Week 7 Sections 1 & 2

2011-05-16T12:45:00.001-07:00

I have missed my lovely visits with my God in the Yard book. I finally pulled it out last night, the ache for climbing back in to this journey outweighing my need for sleep. L.L.Barkat has some intriguing and interesting insights on Levitical law regarding menstruation. Yep, read no further if you are already squeamish!

The prompts I chose to write/contemplate are:

Section 1 - "When I think of blood I think of... "
- Cleansing... outpouring of Christ on the Cross, His love for us dripping to the base pouring out for us, atoning for us, healing us, releasing us from certain death-separation from God. Also, when we bleed the blood pushes bacteria out from our wounds. Cleansing them. Infection is likely when something gets "stuck" in the wound (not scientific I know, but my life does not accommodate research at this time so if you want to know more, you look into it;) ).

"Separation might be a form of grace in situations such as..."
- Protection - Dear ones sheltered so others do not unintentionally speak words of death inadvertently.
- Refreshment - Jesus separated Himself to pray. Once can only imagine the balance required to be fully God and fully human at the same time.
- Healing - When my kids are ill, we separate them from the rest of the world to give their bodies a break from exposure to germs and emotional/mental/physical exertion. Yes, we want to protect our friends and family from becoming ill, but mostly, we want to give them a chance to get better.
- Restoration - When I grow weary from "doing good " I need to retreat into the Word, separating myself from the cares of this life to be completely enveloped in Him so I can keep walking the road He has placed me on.

In section two there is this sentence that caught my eye: "Whatever is more fragile will begin to show the first signs of stress and failure, but these are the early warning signs."

Section 2 "The margins of my life - the areas that come less easily for me - are..."
Organization and structure.
My personality, gifts and tendencies are much more fluid in nature so while I value the need for organization and structure, I find myself bottoming out in that area first before anything else breaks down.

When I am at my very best which is becoming more frequent due to some lifestyle changes I have made, I can be organized, work towards bringing order to chaotic areas in my home and balance relationships, ministry, and practical needs effectively.

However, if I am having an "off" day like today, I don't guard my thoughts as well, and once my mind is surfing the gutter of my situational self-worth, all is pretty much lost. UNTIL - I am gifted with loving reminders from my Jesus and dear ones who pray for me and while it takes the emotions a while to get back on track, my heart and mind shift back into their Divinely-focused course.

Driving the Point Home, Jousting, and Life as a Flower

2011-05-13T20:03:00.000-07:00

Wow, this week again gave me more "opportunities" to "Fess Up" than one can even describe... but I will share a few...

1) I learned how to "teeth fart", apparently my oldest son is a real pro according to his friends. You are supposed to put your teeth together and blow out one side of your mouth, try it... maybe you can be a pro too!

2) I still haven't purged the Food and Wine magazines. I need to, I know.

3) My mother-in-law gave me this lovely gift tulip and I loved it, it made me feel like spring. I kept looking at it reminding myself I, too, am beautiful like this flower... I kept looking at it, every day. Asking God to remind me of my beauty and His beauty within me...

4) By the end of the week, this is how I looked. Really.

5) I yelled over spilled milk. Again. Seriously, when will I just not care if the boys dump an 8oz glass of milk all over themselves, the floor and their shoes? By the way, I did clarify that I was not angry with him, I was just tired of cleaning up messes... he seemed to understand.

6) I found it VERY amusing that one of the little boys I was watching decided to use the plastic basketball hoop as a jousting stick in the basement to combat my sons who were using light sabers. I suggested he might maim someone by accident, but secretly I was impressed!

7) I am deliberately choosing to stay off of white flour and white sugar. It consistently has blocked my ability to lose weight. Honestly, I would prefer to dive head first into a pint of Ben and Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk and not come out until it was gone... sigh.

8) I have listened to a lot of really great people this week talking about their trials, challenges, dreams lost, struggles with hopelessness, and lack of motivation to make necessary changes. God gave me some very encouraging words and prayers for them. I talked to them all about living with a sense of expectation - looking forward with enthusiasm to what God is going to do next - I don't do that enough. Maybe God had me say it at least 5 times this week to drive His point home to me. I bet He did.

9) I stood outside in two parking lots in one night talking with the same friend for 2.5 hours. I really need some girl time if I have to resort to that... what do you think? ;)

10) I got my new Hagadone directory this week. Guess what I did with it? My sincere apologies for all those people who paid money to put their ads in it.

Intercession Poem - God in the Yard Week 6 Completed

2011-05-09T14:06:00.000-07:00

Wrestling thoughts
Breaking down
Tension built
Holy struggle

Intercession
Deep calling
Deeper still
Healing

Action or inaction
Balanced web
Fully covered
But exposed

Your Light glows
Contrasting shadows
Holiness held
In Hands Divine

Released from
Enveloped in
Pressed hard
Crushed not

Kingly gaze
Servant heart
Submitted

Unity brought
Rich joy unfurled
Quaking
Stirring
Shattering darkness
Glory Revealed
--- In Jesus Name

What If Being A Mom Was An Olympic Event?

2011-05-08T07:57:00.000-07:00

I watched Shawn White win the gold medal on his score from his first run of two trips down the half pipe in Olympic Snow Boarding. His second run was purely for fun since he had already clinched the gold.

Shawn White is not just an athlete. He is an athlete who LOVES what he does. His focus, determination and willingness to stretch beyond the regular stunts to be on the cutting edge developing new tricks indicates he is always working hard for excellence and beyond.

I thought to myself, “If all I had to do was focus on one thing for two decades, I could be pretty amazing at it too!”

Then the still small voice in my spirit speaks, “That is exactly what you are doing as a mom.”

There are no medal ceremonies every four years, but it would be wise to check my growth as a mom, my weaknesses, my strengths, and what fruit is being produced by the little ones I have been given at least once every four years.

You see, the gold medal is already around my neck. God knows He made me for them and them for me. I have a choice - whether I just slide up and down the half pipe of life, parenting one day at a time, moving through the usual maneuvers with steady skill, or whether I throw my whole heart, personal flair, enthusiasm, energy and divine drive into each jump, twist, turn, and spin, the Gold Medal remains.

My children will become who they become. I trust the Lord with the outcome of their lives knowing He loves them much more than I do (and yes, this is much easier for me to say while they are all under 7 years old).

I have my Coach, I have my team mates (my husband and the family and friends God has lovingly placed in my life), and I have competitors (distractions that would cause me to lose focus, challenge my stamina, and attempt to undermine my God given creativity and drive). Someday I will stand atop the podium, with my Gold Medal hanging from my neck, arms lifted high in worship and praise as my Coach says to me, "This is my daughter, whom I love; with her I am well pleased." (Matthew 3:17)

Food & Wine and What to do with the word WHY?!

2011-05-06T15:31:00.000-07:00

How I love the, Fess Up Friday... it is like an excuse to be wacky - so I have something to write about!

I agreed with only a quick rocket prayer to take on Teacher Appreciation Week. The week I have 3 extra kids, the week I am finishing up MOPS for the season, the week I begin my triathlon training, the week I plan to work diligently on cleaning out closets, papers, misc. stuff... Yeah. GREAT idea!

Actually it was! I ROCKED Teacher Appreciation Week - except for the fact that I - the parent in charge of appreciating the teachers - that assigned someone to send notes home reminding kids to write thank you notes to their teachers - FORGOT to have my kids write thank you notes! MOPS went great, the extra kids are fun (I even took them to the grocery store - ALL 6 - just for the fun of it! The only thing I didn't ROCK was my workouts and cleaning a bunch of stuff out. I confess, doing the other stuff was much more fun!

As far as the "other stuff" I was supposed to clean out... I have THREE years of "Food and Wine" magazine piled around my house in various places. I did not pay for it. I earned it by taking surveys and getting credits. I was SURE that a subscription to "Food and Wine" would remind me that I am a grown adult woman and I can do grown-woman stuff. Like make yummy food with fancy names and drink nice wine made in Cali or Wash... EXCEPT I have NEVER cooked one of the recipes or bought one recommended bottle of wine. I have perused at least 3 of the 36 copies. I really don't want to get rid of them, but WHEN will I get a chance to do that stuff... really!?

More "other stuff" - this is my current filing system for papers and stuff I am currently working with. It doesn't always look like this. Sometimes I put the crayons away, sometimes there isn't curling ribbon... but sometimes there is. I need a budget line item for organizing this, I have a plan... but unfortunately, a plan does not organize anything.

I have committed to participate in Ironman 2016. I am sure it seems like a crazy thing... that is why it certainly seems appropriate for this post. I know the right thing to say is "You can do it". But you REALLY want to say - Are you INSANE? Yes.

No spilled milk to cry about this week, but it did take 3, yes 3 dustpan loads to clear the debris from under the table this afternoon.

I want to be inspirational but I hate it too. It is hard to be my size for almost two decades and know that most of what is so "inspirational" is my ability to ignore my weight and do something active. When it was ignoring my weight in the first place is what landed me this size.

I LOVE "Say Yes to the Dress". Yes, at times I am appalled, but mostly, I want to buy a new dress too... I will keep my guy though... no need for a new one of those! :)

I try hard to keep a good attitude about a word I hear about a thousand times a day, but I commented to a friend that someday I want to have "WHY" with a red circle and a slash across it tattooed on my behind! Or maybe on the end of my nose where more people would see it...

I promise to make notes for next weeks "fess up Friday" so it will be more brilliant, maybe ;)
By the way, it is 3:29 and I have to go pick up my kids... they get out at 3:30, it is pouring rain and I didn't put them in coats today...

Fess Up Friday - Star Wars Metaphors and Uncle Buck

2011-04-29T13:37:00.000-07:00

I am a little behind since I missed last "Fess Up Friday", but I think I can get you all caught up today:

I will start with the most recent unless I think of something else I've done since then:

Today my only "all day" school child John was late. I called the office to tell them he was tardy and told the secretary his excuse was me, I just couldn't get it together this morning. He also went without any of his homework complete and not even a glance at his spelling words for his test today. What can I say, except it's been a rough week.

I decided with a friend to go off of sugar for two weeks. Starting the day after Easter and ending on Mother's day. We have to do it together because it is only the knowledge that she is suffering along with me that keeps me from caving! She agrees.

Needless to say that with the sugar detox happening in my system my personality has been a little intense. I did something I promised myself I would never do. I freaked out over spilled milk. Granted the kids were goofing around at the dinner table, but honestly, it was still only spilled milk. I am pretty sure my head made at least one if not two full revolutions WHILE I was mentally standing outside myself going "really? are you nuts? This is SO not worth freaking out about!" But... that didn't seem to help me reign in the crazy lady freaked out about spilled milk. About 10 min later I sat down with them and repented. I told them mommy sinned and asked them to forgive me. I apologized for scaring them. They forgave me, again. Making mistakes in parenting and repentance continue to be consistently linked in my life... better get used to it I suppose.

I have often wondered if my three year old is more mature than I when there is a "disruption in the Force."

I find myself consistently struggling to engage in dialog that does not include a Star Wars metaphor - even to adults.

True Jedi's obey their mothers - at least that is what I tell my little Jedi knights.

Every time I feel myself getting a little "overboard" I remember this scene from Uncle Buck (its not the greatest quality recording but the speech is great):

this really helps me keep from going ballistic when I expect more out of my children then what is reasonable. I want "silly-hearts" free to be who they are, not automatons who do whatever I say. Honest.

I let my kids eat food they drop on the floor under the table ONLY if it is within 48hrs since I mopped and within 24 since I swept - it builds their immune systems right? Not that I actually keep track of it on the calendar! :)

I have several more but I think that is enough for today, after all, Friday will come around next week too!

God in the Yard Week 6 Part 3 -- REST

2011-04-25T09:09:00.000-07:00

The prompt that intimidated and intrigued me in this section was "The words in Song of Songs that mirror the words used of Christ are..."

I am not a theologian. At first I was hesitant to take on this question not really knowing how to find a "mirror" passage. But, as I prayed Jesus' words whispered into my spirit, ^"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy-laden and overburdened, and I will cause you to rest. [I will ^[a]ease and relieve and ^[b]refresh ^[c]your souls.] Matthew 11:28 AMP

And, as I read Song of Songs, I found this verse, " His voice and speech are exceedingly sweet; yes, He is altogether lovely [the whole of Him delights and is precious]. ^[a]This is my Beloved, and this is my Friend, O daughters of Jerusalem!" Song of Songs 5:16 AMP

In this season of my life when I am working hard in the day-to-day practical tasks of meals, homework, and other general home upkeep AND working hard to listen to the Lord for the guidance I need to effectively parent my sons, AND working hard to pursue the dream God deposited in me to become the athlete He created me to be, there is nothing more alluring than when He offers me release from my burdens and REST.

No human relationship offers rest all the time. Yes, there are windows of close companionship in some connections that bring rest, but the relationships we have with feet planted here on earth, they require work. My relationship with the Lover of my soul, my Creator, my Healer, my Savior, and my closest Friend only becomes work when I fail to remember that He is the only one who offers me real REST. All I have to do is come to Him. (Deep sigh)

My Jesus, I am weary.

There are people and things that call for my attention and I try to remain in the place of the REST You offer me, But I can't help but feel overwhelmed sometimes.

I need You.

I press my ear to Your chest, listening for Your heartbeat, seeking the order You bring to the unrest in my world. Help me remember You delight in me, as I am.

I open myself up to hear Your sweet Words of refreshment. As You do this work in me, I will declare it aloud to all those who seek REST.

Thank You, Jesus. My Lover, Creator, Healer, Savior, Friend.

Amen.

God in the Yard Week 6 Part 2 B

2011-04-19T13:26:00.000-07:00

The same prompt stirred me again so I wrote on it again. What came out this time was different.
The prompt

"The thought of coming unprotected to God, as if to a Lover or Beloved makes me feel..."

Wanted - Drawn to the Source.

I know He wants me - as I am - no pretense, no games, no walking on eggshells, or doing whatever exactly how He wants it. There is no expectation of perfection because He knows all my weaknesses. There are no demands to make me perform because He knows and loves the truth of me.

Any "righteous acts" on my part only serve as barriers between He and I. He just wants me. To be. With Him.

Entangled in His embrace I become free to sprout, grow and bestow the Fruit of His Spirit. Our union births righteousness, peace and joy.

Others are changed by our connection - drawn to Him in me - they long for this union themselves. And then they come - embracing the Lover of my soul as their own.

Because He is all to me and all to them there is no betrayal, no lack, no confusion of significance. It is Divine Intimacy - shared.

God in the Yard Week 6 Part 2 A

2011-04-19T13:19:00.000-07:00

The prompt from God in the Yard was this:

"The thought of coming unprotected to God, as if to a Lover or Beloved makes me feel..."
Bare, but free.

There is nothing I have that is hidden from Him. Therefore I am free to press in with my full bubbly heart or my aching cavern of need depending on the hour/day/season of my journey.

I long to dive into Him, to quench the thirst of my earth-bound self in His eternal river. I long for His strength to penetrate my weakness. His power to touch my frail humanity.

My Savior

Longing, aching, my
Salvation pending as the night
Is filled with morning light.

In a few hours the crushing weight
Of sin, fear, loss, despair
Will cascade from me to Him.

Every drop of blood from
His thorn-pressed brow
Will become atonement.

Vast multitudes of evils
Press in from every angle
Stabbing, shouting, invading.

He submits, becoming the gift
From Father to this lost and broken child
Absorbing darkest agony.

With every step His cross-laden frame
Seals the hope for my destiny
The grinding wood upon His spine
Presses me into glory.

He deliberately acquaints with grief
Drawing toxic death upon Himself
To save me.

Spiked upon a tree He hangs
My tear drenched eyes
Meet His forgiving gaze.

Blazing fire envelops my heart
Consuming my sin
With the heat of His Passion.

Then He speaks,
Three short words
Seal my eternal freedom:

"It is finished."

I am undone and complete
In that moment.

The Shooting Range and Forts in Public

2011-04-15T10:23:00.000-07:00

One of my most favorite bloggers has this button on her site. I snagged it today and plan to join her on

I plan to start practicing this myself! I confess stuff off and on in my blog but this forces me to pay attention all week to the loopy and ridiculous events of my week to encourage me to lighten up about the little things in life.

A friend with three sons, all grown up called me yesterday to read to me out of her devotional. She is a true inspiration to me - I watched from the sidelines as she and her hubby raised their sons never imagining the craziness of their life would become mine!

She obviously knows me, and my life... here are two of the nuggets I made her repeat back so I could write them down:

"How I react has greater negative consequences than the initial negative situation I encounter."

And

"Don't make matters worse by unplanned emotion driven spur-of-the-moment behavior".

Sometimes I think she lives in my house! The main consolation is that she has already made my mistakes, so I can learn from her. And I do.

Okay, so, back to "Fess up Friday"

- I shot down a trip to the "shooting range" (Cabela's) after a "behave or else" shopping trip that ended in my discouragement and my children crawling under the racks calling them forts, for a calorie laden junk food trip through the McDonald's Drive Thru just so I could confine my kids to their seats instead of letting them spend $5 in tokens shooting targets with laser guns.

- After their recent "fort" discovery, I can't take them to any store without them wanting to play in the 'forts'. I smile at them and act like they are supposed to do that. After all, we do that at home ;)

- My youngest son yells from the basket of the shopping cart, " 'Morning Dude!' " to the man stocking the meat at Albertsons and when we get to the checkout he's yelling "Hey Lady" to the checker while she is trying to help the other people in line. And honestly, I am not embarrassed. Should I be?

- I am so controlling I can't let my kids make cross-gendered people on the Wii. Does that make me prejudice?

- I can barely manage to help my boys memorize their AWANA verses without yelling at them... I really think something gets lost when your mom is hollering the verse at you... maybe not?

- I am seriously considering removing all toys except Legos and Hot Wheels from our home. A friend of mine did it. I thought she was nuts, until I thought about it some more...

- When I watch "Extreme Couponing" I want to slap them for stockpiling all of that stuff instead of donating it to their local food bank! And why aren't there believers working together to DO this for our food banks/churches/families in need?

- When one of my kids is sick I act sick myself - no shower, low motivation, slogging around like I have nothing to do.

I think that is enough for this week!

God in the Yard Week 6 Part 1 - A Challenging Prompt :)

2011-04-06T13:17:00.000-07:00

"I am intrigued (nervous) about framing spiritual disciplines in the language of art, grace or sex because..."

Yowza! I seriously did not want to pick that one of the 3 prompts to respond to! But, I felt the Lord nudge me, almost as if He was daring me to take the leap, so I did.

First let me begin with intrigued AND nervous. I am intrigued enough to tackle the statement above in my writings but nervous about how clearly I can articulate what I really think on such things. Not to mention what my readers will think!

Framing Spiritual Disciplines in the Language of Art
Connecting something as simple as white paper, dense or thin, transparent or textured with gloppy oil based hues, simple clean lines of ink or pencil, dusty shades of chalk, or drippy translucent watercolor paints produces art.

The simple, combined with the creative - subject to interpretation for sure - produces art. Through the loving gaze of the ultimate Creator, there is beauty to be found in even the most basic of images.

It does not matter how much or little I produce, what matters is my willingness to allow the Artist to form me into His image. Opening myself up to His creativity releases beauty in me I didn't know was possible.

Framing Spiritual Disciplines in the Language of Grace
I have been a recipient of God's Amazing Grace but my understanding of it is so small. I don't even know if this poem of sorts will explain it or not...

Grace poured out without limit
Washed over in abundance
My heart cries out for more
Feeling the lack of Earth planted feet
While my heart longs for Heaven.

He holds this paradox true
While I seek the balance
Of submitting my flesh
To His supreme authority
While submerged in His
Ocean of Grace.
Breathing in a gift
I don't understand or deserve

Complete freedom in Him
Confined within my human heart
Authority and abundance
Combine for my blessing
And His glory.

This poem makes me think of an ethereal shadow - something you can't quite see, but you know it is there - framing the spiritual discipline of experiencing grace. Maybe?

AND the big one!

Framing Spiritual Disciplines in the language of SEX! Hmmmm ;)
His presence beckons me
Drawing me into His arms
Nourishing me as I accept
His embrace.

The giving
The receiving
The heat of His desire
For me
Combines with my
Aching longing
For Him

Once united
Sparks of vision
Destiny and purpose
Explode into
Reality.

Hee hee, suddenly I feel a bit euphoric.. (Big Grin)

God in the Yard Week 5 - Part 3 "I have been trained to think that growth happens through suffering more than play. I think this is based on..."

2011-04-04T08:41:00.000-07:00

As I respond to this statement/contemplative comment made by L.L. Barkat in the book God in the Yard I find that the consistent focus of several authorities in my life has been obedience = blessing. If you obey you will be blessed. If you don't, well, bummer.

When obedience is the "be all" and "end all" of everything spiritual there is not a lot of space for play. You are so busy obeying that anything else feels like negligence or even dismissive of God's presence.

Also, until recently, my seasons of painful growth have been much more memorable than the times I have grown in places of play. It is hard to imagine God teaches us anything during play because it doesn't usually leave a BIG mark like the education of the furnace.

I played growing up. My mom especially knows how to play. We grew up with lots of laughter, especially at the family dinner table. As we shared the events of the day, something funny usually came up and we would all (including Dad, though often he was the last to cave to the belly laughs) giggle til our faces ached. The ultimate goal would then become to get mom to snort, which would set off another whole round of hysteria (that was usually when Dad caved!).

I think my mom learned how to "perform" obedience because of her very authoritative father (retired from both Army and Navy) was pretty hard on her big brother so she jumped through the hoops to stay out of trouble. But for as long as I can remember, Grandpa has been very funny too. So they knew how to play and laugh as well as follow the rules.

In my adult spiritual journey I became more obsessed with obedience as a means to an end. I wanted to become pregnant and therefore I had to show God I would be able to be trusted with a child if I obeyed - all the time. Except it was never His standard I was meeting, it was my perception of His standard which left me empty, angry, depressed and overweight.

After almost ten years of that, He blessed me with three boys (His timing - no drugs or special stuff) and my sense of humor has been tested zillions of times. He has used them to teach me more than I could ever describe.

But let me bring this all the way to right now in my life:

These past few months God has been teaching me to "lighten up". I have spent almost two decades diving into the "deeper" things and have failed to really embrace the "lighter" things.

The interesting part of this has been watching a movie or two that contain "questionable" humor or having a drink past "enough". And instead of a lightning bolt zapping me onto the greased pole to hell, I have kicked back and laughed more.

Now, don't get me wrong here, I do not believe that getting drunk or watching "The Hangover" should become a habit or a lifestyle. I am just saying that for a girl who spent many, many years trying to be "obedient" (according to my legalistic understanding) it has amazed me that I have not been "deeply convicted" (said in a condescending tone with condemning eyes looking darkly at me over half lenses). I have actually sensed God's chuckle over me. He wants me to lighten up. He is teaching me how to love Him and receive love from Him within His boundless grace. He has reminded me time and time again that who I am in Him will not change whether I have an uptight demeanor or a spunky, adventurous, funny zest for life.

I am seeking Him on how to play more and this book is really drawing me into it. I want to learn how to play well, often. Laughter has always been frequent with me, but my playing, it's improving - so watch out!! :)

A POEM:

LOL

Laughing out Loud
Brings glitter to a "nice" day
Reminds us there is joy
Not just happiness.

Gut bustin' peals of sound
Teary eyes and aching cheeks
Reveal the delight
We were created to savor.

A silly word
Funny phrases
Mismatched rhymes
All can free the giggles
From their somber abode.

Making someone laugh
Is more satisfying than
The richest meal
More refreshing than
A good nights sleep.

Laughter gets on everyone
Like a shower of confetti
We should be okay
With a little mess
So it gets on us too!

Not the most brilliant poem I've ever written - but you get the point... Laugh. More. Play. More.

God in the Yard Week 5 Part 1

2011-03-25T13:28:00.000-07:00

"I am comforted by the idea of leaving "openings" because..."

If I close up every opening it would mean that everything is up to me. THAT frightens me! I know the scope of my abilities and they fall short of accomplishing anything of value. I am not minimizing myself but being realistic and understanding what the Bible says in John 15:5, "I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."

Having openings does make me feel quite vulnerable. Thankfully my very human and limited understanding of His Character and His Word tells me that "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." (Phil 4:13) In the Bible it also says the Holy Spirit prays for us, "And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will." (Romans 8:27). So, I am covered. Even if I have no idea what is next. He does. The "openings" allow me to experience the blessing of trusting in Him.

"Openings" allow Light to shine, Water to flow, and Receiving to happen. When I stay closed, there is darkness, dryness, and emptiness. I can't be a light without His Light. I can't be refreshing if I am not walking in the Water of His Word, and I cannot give if I cannot receive.

"OPENINGS" = GOOD when I am open to God!

God in the Yard Week 4 - Part 3

2011-03-15T07:51:00.000-07:00

The statement I am responding to is "Religious celebration and healing of painful times seem connected, because..."

When I specifically think of Why I love Easter, it is the season I ask God to take me deeper into the caverns of my soul, the tunnels of my mind, and the trenches of my habits. I press in to Him seeking more of His presence to fill those places.

The ashes on my forehead remind me of where I've come from and the celebration that is yet to come.

I don't always plunge into His arms during this Lent season. Sometimes I sneak glances at Him like a lowly wall flower cautiously peaking at the handsome fellow she'd love to dance with. When I catch His gaze I am stunned by the intensity in his eyes, yet again. I look away knowing He can see my depths. I long to let go of the deep dark places, but there is comfort in the familiar even if it is getting in the way of our connection.

I muster the courage to look up again to find His focus is me. I take in a quick breath, physically affected by His eyes. The beauty and the kindness in them reaches for me from across the dance floor. Slowly I stand, taking one step in His direction. Instantly He has me in His grasp, enveloping me in His peace.

"It will be okay My Love," He whispers to my heart. I believe Him.

Our breath mingles together as I rest my head on His heart and His head is bowed over mine. I am encircled by His love, hearts beating in harmony as His warmth draws the coolness of the pain from my caverns, tunnels, and trenches.

We spend 40 days entwined. I look around from time to time, the intensity of our connection is overwhelming. I am tempted to be drawn away, but I stay because I know there is no Lover as true, as strong, as good as He is. The discomfort comes and goes with dancing so closely. He shares my pain, my letting go. He never loosens His hold on me. It is never confining, only inviting me to stay tucked close for these days. Encouraging me to allow Him to draw out those things neglected or wounds unhealed.

His endless patience astounds me. His rest covers me in my unsettled moments. He reminds me that this is OUR time. Our sacred 40 day appointment.

On the day of Resurrection I will be released to walk in fresh healing, freed from His intensive ministry out into the field of "fruit-fullness" to pour out, comfort, encourage, explore, adventure, and leap into another layer of who He has called me to be. I am on day 6. Thirty-four more days of cleansing intimacy remain.

I embrace Him back. I will know Him as El Shaddai, The All Sufficient One. I am eager and cautious at the same time knowing there will be pain, release, grief, discomfort, joy, and hope all culminating in my deeper love and greater freedom in Him.

2 Corinthians 3:16-18 in the New International Version " But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. ¹⁷ Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. ¹⁸ And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate^[a] the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit"

2 Corinthians 3:16-18 from the Message "Whenever, though, they turn to face God as Moses did, God removes the veil and there they are—face-to-face! They suddenly recognize that God is a living, personal presence, not a piece of chiseled stone. And when God is personally present, a living Spirit, that old, constricting legislation is recognized as obsolete. We're free of it! All of us! Nothing between us and God, our faces shining with the brightness of his face. And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him."

He has that for me. I want it.

God in the Yard - Week 4 - Part 2 - Why I love Easter

2011-03-15T07:07:00.000-07:00

The statement I am responding to is: "My favorite celebration is... "

EASTER!

It represents to me the end of death and the beginning of life.

Also, I have fond memories of family times at Easter. Lots of them. We often had my grandparents come to our home in Southern California for Easter. It was the perfect time of year for them to leave the cold grayness of the Pacific Northwest winter and come to warmer and sunnier Cali. One of my favorite memories is my mom used to hide REAL decorated eggs at Easter. She would often forget where she hid one or two and it would be months before we found them... they got a little funky after a while, that is for sure. It still makes me giggle to think about it. Back then I had no idea what being a mom looked like, now, with three of my own I totally get how she could forget where she put a few eggs!

I always love going to church on Easter. The hymns, the lilys, the feeling of celebration in the air, and... Easter happens on the inside of me every year. I am not sure when it started, but for as far as I can remember, I am very aware of Ash Wednesday (the beginning of Lent ). I spend the 40 days leading up to Easter reflecting and contemplating the meaning of Easter . I ask God where in my life He wants to bring new life, His Resurrection life in my heart and mind.

It is a sacred time for me to celebrate intimately with Him, His gift of Life to me.

Transformation Equation - God in the Yard Week 2

2011-02-28T08:07:00.000-08:00

L.L. Barkat grabbed my attention this week with this sentence concerning spiritual practices:
"My job is not so much to practice a rigid set of disciplines as to pay attention."

I knew God would definitely have something in the Word that would speak to "paying attention". I opened up my Amplified Version of the Bible and looked up "Hearing from God". There were several verses listed but because I knew I had a short window of early morning cartoons before launching into preparation for a school day, I started with the first verse listed: Deuteronomy 28:1 (I kept reading to verse 13). I proceeded to make a list in my journal about the blessings that come from listening to Him and keeping His commandments. Add to those words the grace of the Cross - the New Testament living we enjoy today and it opens up so much hope and invigorates me for what is next!

Now, she has different assignments at the end of each section and week. This one was a little more intimidating than the others... it involved MATH... a nemesis of mine since my youth... BUT, feeling led to walk in a new place I asked God to show me what He had for me in this assignment.

She calls it "Transformation Math" and suggests that I "play with different combinations of math problems and figures to demonstrate your desires for change." So, with some hesitancy, this is what I came up with:

Listening to God + my acting on His Word = Blessings (based on Deut. 28:1 -13)

And then, a little more specific for me personally...

I will elaborate further on my Prism Progress blog about what those specific "new actions" are. But for now, I have stretched beyond myself doing math as a journaling exercise and I am blessed!

God in the Yard - Week 2 - Question 1

2011-02-19T17:38:00.000-08:00

“I believe it is my job (God’s job) to preserve my soul because…”

One sentence jumped off the page for me in this first section:

“In other words, spiritual growth and health is complicated by the question of whose job it is to keep our lives form falling into nothing.”

I firmly believe it is a dance –

A pairing of human and the Divine. Each step is not choreographed but anticipated. God and I move together. He holds me with effortless finesse. Sometimes I glide with Him, secure in His arms, following each step as He leads and other times I pull away, my awkward steps squishing His toes and turning our smooth rotation across the dance floor of my life into a one-sided display of ineptitude. The time elapsed depends on the day or even the season of my life – but eventually I see the tender beckoning look in His eyes and remember the security of His embrace and I scamper back into the open arms of the Lover of my soul. And, after a few stumbling steps into repentance and receiving His forgiveness, we move fluidly together once again, like the long time lovers we are.

I have loved Him my entire life. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t. I have been temperamental, moody and even defiant in our relationship, but because He is God, He allows me to be who I am. He keeps loving me and covering me with His grace so I don’t have to reap all I have sown. He showers me with blessings I could never earn.

This is what causes me to believe that it is my job to preserve my soul AND His. My part is to reach for Him in whatever capacity I can on any given day. Whether it be a simple cry for help, an acknowledgment of His presence, or a long winded plea of desperation, I must choose Him and receive what He has for me.

Then the rest of the responsibility lies with Him. Once I receive what He has eternally offered to me (salvation) I can rest in Him. He will nourish me throughout the days and seasons, bringing conviction in the moments of choice, reminding me His arms are where I want to be – not spinning randomly and awkwardly across the dance floor of my life on my own.

That is why I am reading this book. The reminders to stop and consider the parts and pieces of my life and how they fit together – including the sounds of little boy voices, questions and excitement throughout the day, kisses from my Love as he heads off on an errand and the dance goes on…

God in the Yard - Week 1 - Question 2

2011-02-14T22:32:00.000-08:00

"In order to grow I feel like I need..."

TIME and REST

I need TIME to think, to pray, to become who God is asking me to be.

When I consider all the moving parts of my life, I can't imagine how there could be TIME for me to grow (other than in patience) while brushing little boy teeth, folding little boy socks, cleaning dishes, and trying to consistently feed my family healthy quality meals that will grow us all into thriving people.

I feel like I am being stretched every day but I am not sure I'd call it growth!

The stretching is not like taking the rubber band off the broccoli and pulling one side apart from the other. It is more like being Plastic Girl without the super-hero powers. She decided when to stretch and it was always to rescue someone.

For me, randomly I find myself at some point in the day, feeling like someone has grabbed my leg, pulled it four feet away without my knowledge, and suddenly I am stumbling through my day wondering why I feel so strange.

That would be the reason I feel I need REST. It is exhausting being stretched without a break. It wears me out.

But, like mismatched long floppy arms, one flopping leg several feet past the one I stand on... you get the picture, my life is perfectly made for me, my Love, and my fellas. And, if I have to look a little silly for many years to come, and that is how God wants to grow me, as long as He provides some TIME with Him and a little REST in between growth spurts, I'm pretty sure I'll be okay.

God in the Yard - Week 1 - Question 1

2011-02-12T15:09:00.000-08:00

I am the fifth in a group of women who are reading God in the Yard, by L.L. Barkat, blogging on it and then passing it on to the next person. I finished Chapter 1 this week. I have written a lot based on several different prompts but this first one started my journey, so I figured I'd share it first. I will go through the rest of my journal from week one and decide if there is anything worth "publishing" here on my blog... but for now, here's my first entry in this series:

“When I was a child, I lived …”

When I was a child, I lived fully. I embraced life with zest, enthusiasm, and a sense of “ownership”. The places life took me seemed to call out and affirm that God created earth for me to enjoy it.

I remember looking out our big picture window at Mt. Rainer, in Western Washington KNOWING God put it there just for me. To this day I still call it “my mountain”. My sister and I loved that house. We played in the woods, had lots of space to play inside and the world seemed like our oyster. But things changed, we moved…

I found another place to embrace life, the beach. The waves crashing, sand between my toes, wind whipping through my hair; smelling the ocean even now transports me back to my childhood where so much of my youth was spent in that glorious place.

When I was a teenager, several summers were spent wandering the beach or baking in the sun. Every week the designated fireman dad (they were the only ones qualified to drive a bus, since they already drove fire trucks) would drive the church bus packed with kids over the hills to the beach for a mere $1 each. We’d spend the entire day soaking up the sun, enjoying our friends and then head home, tired, sand laden and happy.

We camped several times a year, but the best trip of the year was the church family campout where all of us would stay out late, wandering the beach, looking at the stars, and contemplating the big things in life. Yes, there were bits of “beach romance” but with parents or their friends wandering around and the peer pressure focused on being together and having fun, there were no temptations to leave appropriate boundaries.

At home, even in the ups and downs of my daily life as a child, I KNEW the oak trees outside my bedroom window were put there for me. At night, after watching too much Scooby Doo they seemed a little spooky when the lights hit them just right, but come morning they were a playground for our cats, my sister and I and our friends that dared climb out on a limb with us.

Today I live with two big maple trees in my front yard. Their presence blesses me like the oak trees of my youth, but they are different. The oak trees did get new leaves every year and there were acorns that fell, but in Southern California there were two seasons, fall and summer. Here in Northern Idaho, my maple trees better reflect the changing seasons of my adult life; barren winter, new growth spring, rich beauty summer, and fragrant colorful fall. All four bring significant changes to the trees reminding me that things are supposed to change, just like when I was a child.

I try to live fully now, though my "zest" for life and enthusiasm expresses itself somewhat differently, I still feel that sense of "ownership". I move forward into the experience of creation He has for me right now. That is what this journey is about for me. At least today.

Family Treasures... don't miss them!

2010-12-24T10:06:00.000-08:00

Focusing on Christ at Christmas is different for me this year.

This year my home is full of family. Treasured ones I joined when I married my Love who haven't been together for Christmas in 24 years. God aligned every minute of this special celebration and I don't want to miss one minute!

I find myself struggling with MANY opportunities to take offense, get my feelings hurt, overwork myself, be short tempered with the precious men in my life, and hear the enemy's voice in my inadequacies and imperfections.

It is a challenge dodging what seem like bullets (unintentional most of the time I am sure) and keeping my eyes on Christ, the One who came so we could embrace each other in freedom and grace. And, personally, I don't want to be robbed of one minute!

SO - here is what I am doing - with every "opportunity" that arises, I practice my emotional, physical or even mental "cat-like" reflexes :) and grab from my heart and mind a happy memory a Bible verse/promise, or even just choose a grin and press into my Jesus, fully committed to soaking up the Joy He came to deposit!

The treasures He put in my life - those I married into and those I birthed are designed by Him to be gifts in my life and I am going to enjoy every one!!

Joyful and Merry Christmas to each of you!

All Done? Really?

2010-12-03T08:00:00.000-08:00

For almost all of my life I have envisioned having four children. When I was a child I wanted four by the time I was 25 and when I got married at the ripe old age of twenty, it seemed reasonable to expect that.

When I reached thirty and there was no sign of motherhood, but a deeply whispered promise in my heart, I was devastated. It was three more years before I would conceive and birth my first son (10 years from when we began "trying"). It was an amazing miracle from beginning to end. After he was born, I was truly grateful for the chance to be a mother, finally.

A few short months later I conceived my second son and all I could think of was Ephesians 3:20 "Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us". And my second son was exactly that.

I had become a mother for sure! Two sons 14 1/2 months apart, I barely knew which end was up! I was exhausted, felt a little crazy but living my dream. It was amazing and wonderful and excruciating and incredible.

After the two, my Love and I became polarized on how many more babies we should have. He was done. Overwhelmed, exhausted and concerned about my mental and emotional status he was fairly confident we should just stop. We agreed to pray and God showed us both that we weren't quite done.

Almost a year later we conceived our third child. It was the first time I was able to surprise my Love about a pregnancy. The first one, he guessed. The second one, he made me take three tests AND call the EPT hotline to confirm, and so this third one, we wanted but had no idea when it would happen. It was January 3, 2007. I walked into my Love's office, in front of his co-workers and told him I needed a new car. I pulled out the positive pregnancy test and we hugged and every one cheered. It was an amazing day. As we called to tell everyone - the sense of celebration was tangible. I even wrote a little song that the boys and I could sing to the baby. I still hear it in my heart:
     Baby, Baby, we can't wait to meet you
     Baby, Baby, we're thinking about you today.
     Baby, Baby, we can't wait to see you.
     Baby, Baby, we love you every day.
We sang it many times a day for three weeks. And then, after a follow up ultrasound, we found out she was gone. I say she because I begged God to show me who the baby was if He was going to make me walk through the insane grief of losing her. The morning after that heartbreaking ultrasound, before I really woke up, I had a vision of a little tiny face, wrapped in a pink blanket, held in huge white robed arms. The next several weeks I had to sing the song differently with the boys:
     Baby, Baby, we can't wait to meet you
     Baby, Baby, we're thinking about you today.
     Baby, Baby, we know we can't see you.
     Baby, Baby, we know you're in Heaven today.
For months they asked me to sing the song. And I would. I would cry through it. Every time. My processing on this grief could be a whole series of blogs - I journaled all the way through it. I eventually made a scrapbook page with her ultrasound picture - the one with her heart beating and wrote her a letter. We named her Joy.

God, in His infinite grace and mercy gave me another baby within a few months. I was thrilled but terrified. My third son was in my arms days before the first anniversary of losing Joy back to Heaven. He is a precious gift.

For almost 2 years after my third son's birth my Love and I have been polarized again about whether to have another one. I still want more. Just one more. He is completely ready to move past the baby/toddler stage of life and get on with the older fun things to do with his sons. I don't blame him a bit. Part of me completely agrees, especially as I can see the light at the end of the "diaper" tunnel.

I have always had irregular cycles. Since I have been working out and losing weight they have semi-regulated so when I missed one last month I was a little surprised. Earlier this week my oldest son was talking about wanting a little sister. I reminded him that he gets impatient sharing me with his brothers and that would mean he would have to share me with one more sibling. He said he didn't care. He wants a little sister.

My second son piped up from his breakfast to say, "we have a sister, her name is Joy and she lives in Heaven." To which his brother replied, "I know, but I want a sister here with me now." I told them that both Daddy and Mommy only want what God wants for our family. I didn't mention that we feel differently on the issue, even though I have peace about my Love's upcoming vasectomy this month.

So, this morning I took a pregnancy test. It was negative. I cried. I dreamed last night that I watched the moisture move across the window into a plus sign, not a minus sign. I was only dreaming. I have had many friends who have dreamed about coming to see me in the hospital carrying pink. I have held out hope, that even though we are careful, that some how, some way I would have that fourth baby to hold in my womb and then in my arms.

I know we could adopt and foster parent. But, right now, at this minute, I ache for what I've longed for, I am at peace with what is and I wait, trusting, believing, and knowing that my God is in control of my every need as well as every need of each of my precious family members. Today I will worship. Tears falling a bit, but worship the One who provided for me, "exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think,".

SHORT Stories

2010-11-18T11:26:00.000-08:00

A friend posted a link to an NPR article about 'Hint Fiction' Celebrates the (Extremely) Short Story and I was intrigued. I have diligently worked on editing my blogs and writings lately and this looked like an exciting challenge.

Here are my stories:

Two of which are taken from Scripture so they cannot be considered fiction, but it was a cool exercise to condense them into a few words.

She escaped terminal rejection and reached for Life. Healing happened. Eternal freedom began.

He left without saying goodbye. Stunned, she took a deep breath. Eternal purpose had been chosen, trusting the Master’s provision. Destiny called them both.

Seasoned eyes were sharpened for night pursuit. After decades Darkness still retreated in terror. Sword severed precisely. Victory established by moonlight.

Living with Superheros...

2010-11-07T20:31:00.000-08:00

I am not going to lie. There are many days that I look to the heavens and I say, "I begged You for THIS!??"

But not today.

Today was different.

Usually after 6pm my nerves are shot. Star Wars light saber sounds have taken their toll, the wrestling, running, jumping, feats of strength and general mayhem often end with little warriors having time outs and other assorted consequences.

But not today.

Today there was peace in our home. The Warriors swung their light sabers, the sound affects ringing in my ears, grunting, sweating, laughing and even flying were done without crisis, irritation or even injury.

Usually when Daddy leaves early to go to work there is tension, usually mine, about having to "run the show" for the week. My nerves are on edge about what is coming for the week that I know about and wondering about the unknown surprises lurking around the bend. I know this sounds horribly pessimistic from such an optomist, but when my Love flys away for days at a time it often takes me at least 24 hours to settle into some sort of "groove" and then usually a day or two later he is home again, to do things his way. :)

Today though, I actually feel changed. Deeply changed. As if that old place of anxiety in me is gone, or at least taking a nap for a bit. Last night I made sure to get enough "good night" kisses for the week all at once, then woke up this morning well aware that he would be gone before dinner. No anxiety snuck in the back door, no tension pushed at my nerves, no hyper-sensitive reactions took place as I went about the evenings tasks.

Instead I cooked a chicken veggie soup to eat for the week, listening to my Jedi's battle in the confined space of our living room, my youngest Jedi begging for the most recently fashioned paper light saber, enjoying their playtime and my cooking.

After dinner it was time for jammies and two of my three fellas donned their Batman jammies. Purchased at a consignment sale, my smallest Batman no longer has a cape, but his big brother who decided on GI Joe garb (no cape included) got out his Superman cape and attached it to a very happy Batman. Bigger Batman carried his black cape into the kitchen with a grin requesting I attach it to his shirt. Once the velcro was connected my super hero took off to join his brothers fending off imaginary foe.

Shorter Batman-Superman came running around the corner to tell me in his delighted two year old voice that "Mommy I can fly! Watch me!" So I watch as he goes running down the hall cape flying like a kite behind him. I say, "Peter YOU are amazing!" to which he yells, "Yes I am!"

I pray this night is imbeded in my heart. I am fairly certain there will be other nights to enjoy the warrior superheros. Tonight though, there is something special about seeing the fruit of my peace reflected in the eyes, hearts and bodies of my sons, now THAT is a wonderful sight to behold!

Hating Others?

2010-11-01T22:32:00.001-07:00

I am currently studying the names of God. This week, the study is on God's name Adonai.

Adonai means Lord and Master. These verses from Luke 4 were a part of my study that keep ringing in my spirit:
²⁵ Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: ²⁶ “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple. ²⁷ And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.

So WHAT does that mean Lord? If you are my Master, I have to hate everyone else? I have to abandon all the key relationships in my life, that YOU have given me?

I love God. I know He loves me, not in a sing-song Sunday school way, but a real, no kidding, serious, rubber meets the road kind of Love. I want to draw into His presence daily, pursue Him, learn from Him, receive from Him, walk with Him. That's great, as a Christian, that is what having a relationship with God looks like.

But wait! There's more!

When Jesus says that we are to hate those nearest and dearest to us so we can be His disciple, that seems SUPER strange to me. After all, He provided those special people in our lives. He put us together with them, knowing the challenges, the victories, the pain and the joy we would encounter together on this path of life.

I wish my life would accommodate an in-depth study on this verse, but it doesn't. I did read it in several versions and the New Living Translation said that we are to hate them in comparison to Christ in order to be His disciple.

Ok, so that doesn't sound SO bad after all, does it? What does that look like in a practical sense?

I know missionaries and their families who have lost their marriages, children to rebellion and drugs, and their lives or body parts to horrible diseases. People who have sacrificed so much and yet continue to serve God in whatever way He leads them. They have loved Him more than their marriage, their family, their bodies, and served Him.

My missionary friends have served with all their hearts, lived through hell, relationally, emotionally, and physically. Is it any wonder that when we as humans are asked to walk out a supernatural call of God that our humanity crumbles sometimes? The ensuing judgment by the Body of Christ for not keeping an appropriate "balance" is tragic.

Does this mean there is an excuse to not attend diligently to my marriage or to my family and friends? That I am to shut myself into my room, neck deep in Bibles, Concordances, Lexicons, throwing food in my kids vicinity when they make too much noise to concentrate? Do I hide away from my husband, nose in Bible, pursuing God irregardless of his needs?

NO, I am sure that is NOT what God is talking about.

However, I am prayerfully meditating on His Word in this case because I want to KNOW if there is anything in my world that I love or need more than Christ. Mostly because I know that without Him, I will ultimately end up with nothing.

My memorization verse for the week is Psalm 16:2, "I say to the LORD, You are my Lord (Adonai), apart from You I have no good thing." (No, I did not type that from memory - working on it still!)

I have come to the conclusion that to be His disciple, my love for Him must compare to none other. When I compare my love for my family and friends, it is as if I hate them in comparison to my passion for Christ.

I have sung this song with passion and zeal for several years of my adult life, I am pondering it deeper now.
What I love about this particular youtube video is the real ministry and worship taking place. Do they or I REALLY mean "We will abandon it all, for the sake of the call?"

Yes, I believe we do.

Our Marriage

2010-10-12T21:46:00.000-07:00

Ephesians 5:31-33 Amplified Version
"For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is very great, but I speak concerning [the relation of] Christ and the church.
However, let each man of you [without exception] love his wife as [being in a sense] his very own self; and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and ^[that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly]."

Isn't it interesting that there is so much instruction for the wife and for the husband - to love his wife. Here is part of our story:

When I met Erik, I KNEW he was the one for me. I knew our lives were super different, he loved to party, he didn't grow up submerged in the church or a relationship with Jesus like I did, and his family was very different from mine.

From the moment, literally less than 48 hours from when we met, I told him I loved him, I knew I would never love another man the way I loved him. God did it in me. I felt it in my spirit and in my heart.

Our first year was not some blissful honeymoon event. Yes, we had sex, a lot, but we fought a lot too. We both agree that the single guy living next door to us probably swore to never ever get married! Erik put a hole in the wall of our apartment, our cordless phone went flying through the air ( I honestly can't remember who threw it!) - it never recovered, my chemistry book binding was busted halfway through the semester and I am sure I have forgotten other items that were damaged in the process of two young kids with hard heads and strong wills trying to merge into life together.

We celebrated our first anniversary in Idaho. We began really settling into married life then. It was just us. No family around, no friends, no one but each other. We found our church within days of moving into our first apartment. God surrounded us immediately with friends that would become life long family.

It was at this point when I began to see the man I married becoming who God created him to be. He had given his life to the Lord about a month after we met and he had changed from the party-guy-girl-chaser he once was for sure, but once I quit being a big cry baby, running home to mama and comparing him with my "perfect" family life (seriously deluded for sure), I started to see who he really was.

Our first winter was super hard. California girl moves to North Idaho, fresh married, completely void of all family to lean on, new friends in the making, what seemed like 100 feet of snow on the ground and barely money to pay the rent.

BUT, we LOVED our life together. We still fought but we (I actually mean "I") didn't have anyone to whine to. Long distance phone calls were more than what we could afford so we just had to work it out! We did. He did. God did.

I was no easy woman to deal with. Emotional, depressed, gaining weight like it was going out of style for no actual reason (later determined it was my hormones and transition from California style living to Idaho winter living). I gained 75lbs in 3 months. I promise I did not EAT that much!! Yikes! It was awful.

We began making friends who were newly married themselves. As the years went by I began to start seeing my Love as the man I loved deeply, growing with me in the Lord and becoming who God had planned for him to be.

I was changing too. The church (New Life) was different than the Presbyterian one I grew up in. Very different (that's another blog in itself). I was finding out who I was in Christ, not just hanging on to what I expected Him to be based on what I saw my parents and church friends living out in Cali.

I was still pretty critical. Reminding him how often he didn't measure up to the other guys when we would get together. I have never once called him a name other than his own, but my insecurities and immaturity certainly contributed to my overall attitude of dishonor and disrespect for the man I had promised to "love, honor and cherish, all the days of my life".

I cringe now at the tones I remember having towards him, derision and disgust for him not "measuring up", as if I knew what that was! We would fight, work it out, fight, work it out, talk and talk, fight some more, all the while his steadfast support and commitment to me NEVER wavered even though he was being tortured by my attitude and tone often!

We have grown up together. We have grown in the Lord together. We have survived crazy and horrible life events together. We have met challenges head on and talked all the way through them, even when we didn't want to.

Several years ago I read a book that completely altered our relationship forever. Love and Respect showed me every way I had disrespected the man God had given me to love. He put up with it. He got angry about it, but I just fought back, feeling justified and self-righteous.

I do not take him for granted any more. I do not push him and push him until he completely snaps in agony for me to stop demanding him to be what I want him to be instead of what God wants him to be. He is free to love me however God leads him to instead of trying to meet my demands.

And I am free to receive his love and pour ou the kindness and respect God asks of me. I don't feel like it is overstating it to stay that he now KNOWS that I appreciate who he is right now, not who he might be, or who he once was. He is free, I am free. Our relationship has never been more fun, lighthearted and rich with grace and mercy for each other.

We are not perfect. We do fight still. We still do not call each other names. We still have to work through our pain as individuals and as a couple. But we now know, that our challenges can be conquered. It is not easy. But we do it.

AND the best part - we have several couples in our lives who love our marriage more than they love us as individuals. They call us on our behavior toward each other, when either one of us is in pain, we can call on them and they will pray and offer words of wisdom, comfort and truth. We are free to speak out our pain knowing that whether I am speaking with a girlfriend or he with a guy friend, they love us both. They will never say or do anything that will be against our spouse. Only words of life for our marriage and our aching hearts. We return the favor when the time comes. It is part of God's gift to us. We work together to stay connected to these couples, consistently maintaining the relationships for the benefit of us all.

So, today, there is a lot to be grateful for. Each other, our families, our friends and most of all our God!